not enough

im tired of being "not enough".

its always something.

not smart enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not who knows what enough.

i don't get the a+, the skinny jeans, the "yes" for a date.

and dammit it is frustrating.

since when did just being who you are turn into not enough?

i'm happy with who i am, so i'm not looking for sympathy.  there is nothing for you to be sympathetic about.

im in a great place.  i love my life.

but i keep thinking, why is it not enough?

why is getting a's as a phd student at an ivy league school not enough?
why is having a good job, a nice apartment and nice things not enough?
why is being something other than a size 4 not enough?
why is not looking like...i don't even know...who are we benchmarking with? heidi klum? not enough?

for me, it is.

its interesting that last week when i found out i got an 89 on a test and burst into tears with that not being "good enough" that the same parents who used to kick my ass when I didn't do well on a test were like..."thats good enough."

oh my, you are right, it is good enough.

but why isn't it?

for most of society, and some people i know, i'm not "good enough."

and it frustrates me, because its all i have.

and i know that everything i'm not enough of, i could become more of.
i could be smarter, skinnier, prettier, richer, etc., etc., etc.

but when does it stop?  when do we stop and say enough is enough.

i am enough why don't you see it?

instead, we push ourselves to be more of this, better at that.
and the trade off is that somewhere along the line, we lose ourselves in the process.

we don't say no, and in our cacophony of "yes", we lose our identity, we lose our enthusiasm, we lose our energy and in the end...

everyone loses.

and as i write this i am not sure if i am more frustrated with the people who want me to be more, or at myself for letting it get to me.

but just once i want to hear:

you are smart enough.
you are pretty enough.
you are attractive enough.

you are enough.

i want people to realize things like being skinny and beautiful fade over time
but the things that last...a sense of humor, hard working, loyal, honest, kind...

those are enough.

i am by no means saying that everyone in my life falls into this.
i have met many people who love me for the "enough" that i am.

but it is easy, in this city full of beautiful, rich, uber smart, model-esque people

to feel not enough.

however, i have just decided to make it my resolve from this moment forward to only concern myself with people who think i'm enough.

i'm tired of begging.
im tired of convincing.

i am me.
and that is enough.

i think that is something that we all need to hear.

colie.