long time

it's been a long time.

and even as i sit here and look at this box, i am not exactly sure what i want to say.  i've been doing a little purging and pondering, and i'm not sure where it has left me.

i purged many of my Facebook friends in a "cleansing" process.  i'm sure this will cut down my blog views, but i don't really care.  i've been purging negative energy and thoughts by spending time at the gym, walking around the city, and having really great times with really great friends.  i've eaten at some fabulous restaurants.  i've done some awesome things. i've seen some great places.  i've gone on some dates.  mostly failures.  but a couple of real gems.  we have done some fun things together that i've really enjoyed.  but, i find perhaps i'm too sensitive for my own good, and apparently too "kind" or "thoughtful" for native new yorkers or brooklyn hipsters.  this is good news, though, as i can start narrowing down my search.

i've been reading a lot...very consumed in my studies, and starting to narrow down my interests for the dirty d word (dissertation) that looms ahead of me.  my eyes have been opened.  my conversations have changed.  my observations are more purposeful.  i question.  i answer. i challenge. and i wonder how i can contribute, change, engage.

purging and pondering.  pondering and purging.  it's been almost 7 months since i have moved here and i finally feel settled.  but i feel, because i have settled into my new life, i have started to change my mentality.  sort of like jimmy buffet said: changes in attitude, changes in latitude.  only strike that and reverse it: changes in latitude, changes in attitude.

i've identified some awesome new besties.  two girls in particular who i work with, j and n, who i adore.  the exchange of 300 Facebook friends allowed me to add 2 that were well worth the exchange.  i've begun to acknowledge that it is not quantity but quality.  and the quality i have found is well worth the quantity i cut out.

interestingly, in my purge, i made some observations.  some people, the ones i was meant to come back to, realized i had "un-friended" them in the Facebook world, and re-friended me.  and i accepted.  but many others...the ones i had both hoped would, but anticipated would not, did not disappoint.  they did not reach back out to me.  they may not have (even now) realized that i disappeared from their feed.  and in all actuality, i don't care.  life is all about how we move in and out, cross over, join, and walk away from people, relationships, places, events, memories.  pre-facebook/twitter/social networking, we let this happen, and would tell stories about old friends, old places, old times.  now, we seem to be permanently attached to people, places, things and situations we should have long ago let go of.  holding on because we can.  why not?  why?  is it possible to move on fully, completely, properly if we do not let go of what is meant to be let go of?  what i have found, from this experience is, no.

if you do not let go, you do not fully move on.

though i was hoping to clean up my Facebook feed, instead, i cleaned up my opportunity to move on.  i was less attached to what was happening somewhere else, with someone else, in some other time, and i made myself more available to what my life currently is.

i love my students more and i'm more available to them.
i love my friends more. both the ones i was meant to hold onto and the ones i have recently crashed into.
i am more open to the moment.
i pay more attention to what and who is around me.
i live more fully and more presently in my life.

i do at times find myself lamenting something that was lost.
something that was given up.
some place that was left behind.
i wonder why, what if, maybe.
but i no longer allow myself to entertain those thoughts or discussions and instead i move to the present situation, location, and people.

and the overall result is this: i FINALLY feel comfortable in my skin, my life, my place, and no longer feel pulled to be anywhere, anything or with anybody i am not.

one by one i purge.
one by one i keep.
one by one i gain.

i'm learning.  i'm learning i'm not perfect.  i'm learning i'm dispensable to some.
i'm learning to be okay with this.

 i'm learning not everyone or everything is worth fighting for.  i'm learning some people just need to be let go.  i'm learning about the words inevitable, unavoidable, uninhibited, free. i'm learning that i won't always understand, be the best, or even be chosen.
i'm learning to be okay with this.

i'm learning what it means to cook in a tiny kitchen.  to want to get take out every night.  to know which subway car to get into so that i'll be closet to the stairs. to know whether i want the NW or SW subway exit. to know that the 7 train never runs on the weekend. to hail a cab when everyone needs a cab.

i'm learning to find my way.
i'm learning to make my way.
i'm learning to to lose my way.
i'm learning to be okay with this.

and i'm learning one more word.  one that i have certainly felt before.  one i have talked about before. but one i never really, fully meant until now:

happy.

months ago i posted these lyrics from wicked, "happy is what happens when all your dreams come true."

well, glinda lied.

giddy is what happens when you dream comes true.

happy is what happens when you let it.

colie.

Best thing I never had

hello from 2012.

it's a new year and somehow, last night i heard myself say, "this just hasn't been my year."

and it caused me to pause.  and i realized what a brat i sounded like, as we were only 5 days into the new year and i was already complaining.

it was 5 days in and honestly i had been battling for all 5 of them.  i decided to make some changes this year and i think it hasn't been popular with some people.

first, i sifted my facebook friends list from 406 to 93.  93.  i told myself that unless i considered this person to be a real, true friend, i wasn't going to keep them on my facebook.  that if they haven't called me or reached out to me without me doing it first in the last 6 months, they were going to be deleted.  and even if i had talked to them, if they weren't REALLY my friend, meaning they were friends on facebook because we used to be friends back in the day, or i wanted to keep in touch with what they were doing...well, i deleted them too.  i wonder how long it will take some of them to notice.  some already have.  and some don't like it, and you know what i have decided?  i don't give a damn.

and that is now my new mantra:  i don't give a damn

oh, you don't like me?  i don't give a damn.
you think i'm too heavy? i don't give a damn.
you don't like my lifestyle? i don't give a damn.
and you are going to treat me like crap because your heart is broken? screw you.

i finally hit this point last night after a "friend" of mine really blew my top yesterday.

and then, i just got pissed off.
and then i turned on some Beyonce, and realized that this is EXACTLY how i felt:

thank god you blew it.  i'm so over you.
honestly,
you turned out to be the best thing i never had.
and I'm going to always be the best thing you never had.  and it serves you right.
it SUCKS to be you.

this year is going to be about me.  its going to be about surrounding myself with people who are fine with me the way i am.  who will love me and care about me no matter what.  my real TRUE friends.

i joined the gym.  FOR ME.
i drop the f bomb when i feel like it. Cause I like to.
i am going out with someone who would PISS a certain someone off next thursday.
you know why? because this is my life. and i'm done living it for everyone else.
im 32 years old, and now, its my turn. and the best revenge is a life well lived.

and im not angry when i type any of this.  actually, i feel empowered.  today at work, this woman who paid an obscene amount of money to be one of the founding members of Virgin Galactic, which will take regular people like you or i into space, just BECAUSE they can, came to talk to us.   and in the end, one of the students asked her: what did your parents think when you told them?  and she said, you know, they are used to be me being crazy.  i love to do things that are outside of my comfort zone.  i like to be up against the wall.  that's where you find your character.  that's where you find out what you are made of.

oh, my sweet soon to be astronaut friend.  nothing happens without a reason.  ive been up against a wall.  in fact, i still am in many ways.  but, im on a mission to find out who i am, what im made of and to define and test my character.

and if you are still my facebook friend, and you don't like what i have to say here, i have one thing to say to you:

unfriend me.  i dont give a damn.

its not about you.  its about me.

happy new year.  be true to you. and if they don't like it.
don't give a damn.

colie.