Best thing I never had

hello from 2012.

it's a new year and somehow, last night i heard myself say, "this just hasn't been my year."

and it caused me to pause.  and i realized what a brat i sounded like, as we were only 5 days into the new year and i was already complaining.

it was 5 days in and honestly i had been battling for all 5 of them.  i decided to make some changes this year and i think it hasn't been popular with some people.

first, i sifted my facebook friends list from 406 to 93.  93.  i told myself that unless i considered this person to be a real, true friend, i wasn't going to keep them on my facebook.  that if they haven't called me or reached out to me without me doing it first in the last 6 months, they were going to be deleted.  and even if i had talked to them, if they weren't REALLY my friend, meaning they were friends on facebook because we used to be friends back in the day, or i wanted to keep in touch with what they were doing...well, i deleted them too.  i wonder how long it will take some of them to notice.  some already have.  and some don't like it, and you know what i have decided?  i don't give a damn.

and that is now my new mantra:  i don't give a damn

oh, you don't like me?  i don't give a damn.
you think i'm too heavy? i don't give a damn.
you don't like my lifestyle? i don't give a damn.
and you are going to treat me like crap because your heart is broken? screw you.

i finally hit this point last night after a "friend" of mine really blew my top yesterday.

and then, i just got pissed off.
and then i turned on some Beyonce, and realized that this is EXACTLY how i felt:

thank god you blew it.  i'm so over you.
honestly,
you turned out to be the best thing i never had.
and I'm going to always be the best thing you never had.  and it serves you right.
it SUCKS to be you.

this year is going to be about me.  its going to be about surrounding myself with people who are fine with me the way i am.  who will love me and care about me no matter what.  my real TRUE friends.

i joined the gym.  FOR ME.
i drop the f bomb when i feel like it. Cause I like to.
i am going out with someone who would PISS a certain someone off next thursday.
you know why? because this is my life. and i'm done living it for everyone else.
im 32 years old, and now, its my turn. and the best revenge is a life well lived.

and im not angry when i type any of this.  actually, i feel empowered.  today at work, this woman who paid an obscene amount of money to be one of the founding members of Virgin Galactic, which will take regular people like you or i into space, just BECAUSE they can, came to talk to us.   and in the end, one of the students asked her: what did your parents think when you told them?  and she said, you know, they are used to be me being crazy.  i love to do things that are outside of my comfort zone.  i like to be up against the wall.  that's where you find your character.  that's where you find out what you are made of.

oh, my sweet soon to be astronaut friend.  nothing happens without a reason.  ive been up against a wall.  in fact, i still am in many ways.  but, im on a mission to find out who i am, what im made of and to define and test my character.

and if you are still my facebook friend, and you don't like what i have to say here, i have one thing to say to you:

unfriend me.  i dont give a damn.

its not about you.  its about me.

happy new year.  be true to you. and if they don't like it.
don't give a damn.

colie.