long time

it's been a long time.

and even as i sit here and look at this box, i am not exactly sure what i want to say.  i've been doing a little purging and pondering, and i'm not sure where it has left me.

i purged many of my Facebook friends in a "cleansing" process.  i'm sure this will cut down my blog views, but i don't really care.  i've been purging negative energy and thoughts by spending time at the gym, walking around the city, and having really great times with really great friends.  i've eaten at some fabulous restaurants.  i've done some awesome things. i've seen some great places.  i've gone on some dates.  mostly failures.  but a couple of real gems.  we have done some fun things together that i've really enjoyed.  but, i find perhaps i'm too sensitive for my own good, and apparently too "kind" or "thoughtful" for native new yorkers or brooklyn hipsters.  this is good news, though, as i can start narrowing down my search.

i've been reading a lot...very consumed in my studies, and starting to narrow down my interests for the dirty d word (dissertation) that looms ahead of me.  my eyes have been opened.  my conversations have changed.  my observations are more purposeful.  i question.  i answer. i challenge. and i wonder how i can contribute, change, engage.

purging and pondering.  pondering and purging.  it's been almost 7 months since i have moved here and i finally feel settled.  but i feel, because i have settled into my new life, i have started to change my mentality.  sort of like jimmy buffet said: changes in attitude, changes in latitude.  only strike that and reverse it: changes in latitude, changes in attitude.

i've identified some awesome new besties.  two girls in particular who i work with, j and n, who i adore.  the exchange of 300 Facebook friends allowed me to add 2 that were well worth the exchange.  i've begun to acknowledge that it is not quantity but quality.  and the quality i have found is well worth the quantity i cut out.

interestingly, in my purge, i made some observations.  some people, the ones i was meant to come back to, realized i had "un-friended" them in the Facebook world, and re-friended me.  and i accepted.  but many others...the ones i had both hoped would, but anticipated would not, did not disappoint.  they did not reach back out to me.  they may not have (even now) realized that i disappeared from their feed.  and in all actuality, i don't care.  life is all about how we move in and out, cross over, join, and walk away from people, relationships, places, events, memories.  pre-facebook/twitter/social networking, we let this happen, and would tell stories about old friends, old places, old times.  now, we seem to be permanently attached to people, places, things and situations we should have long ago let go of.  holding on because we can.  why not?  why?  is it possible to move on fully, completely, properly if we do not let go of what is meant to be let go of?  what i have found, from this experience is, no.

if you do not let go, you do not fully move on.

though i was hoping to clean up my Facebook feed, instead, i cleaned up my opportunity to move on.  i was less attached to what was happening somewhere else, with someone else, in some other time, and i made myself more available to what my life currently is.

i love my students more and i'm more available to them.
i love my friends more. both the ones i was meant to hold onto and the ones i have recently crashed into.
i am more open to the moment.
i pay more attention to what and who is around me.
i live more fully and more presently in my life.

i do at times find myself lamenting something that was lost.
something that was given up.
some place that was left behind.
i wonder why, what if, maybe.
but i no longer allow myself to entertain those thoughts or discussions and instead i move to the present situation, location, and people.

and the overall result is this: i FINALLY feel comfortable in my skin, my life, my place, and no longer feel pulled to be anywhere, anything or with anybody i am not.

one by one i purge.
one by one i keep.
one by one i gain.

i'm learning.  i'm learning i'm not perfect.  i'm learning i'm dispensable to some.
i'm learning to be okay with this.

 i'm learning not everyone or everything is worth fighting for.  i'm learning some people just need to be let go.  i'm learning about the words inevitable, unavoidable, uninhibited, free. i'm learning that i won't always understand, be the best, or even be chosen.
i'm learning to be okay with this.

i'm learning what it means to cook in a tiny kitchen.  to want to get take out every night.  to know which subway car to get into so that i'll be closet to the stairs. to know whether i want the NW or SW subway exit. to know that the 7 train never runs on the weekend. to hail a cab when everyone needs a cab.

i'm learning to find my way.
i'm learning to make my way.
i'm learning to to lose my way.
i'm learning to be okay with this.

and i'm learning one more word.  one that i have certainly felt before.  one i have talked about before. but one i never really, fully meant until now:

happy.

months ago i posted these lyrics from wicked, "happy is what happens when all your dreams come true."

well, glinda lied.

giddy is what happens when you dream comes true.

happy is what happens when you let it.

colie.