Still I think it's the best bet...

forgiveness my friends, is a tricky thing.

the emotions that precede forgiveness are the antithesis of the very word itself:

anger

rage

frustration

disappointment

jealousy

fear

judgement

hate

those things that we wish we could somehow remove from our vocabulary so that we wouldn't be in the position to ever feel them in the first place.

and then, i guess, too, forgiveness depends on which side of the word you are on.

i had this family member, one that i loved very much, and for one reason or another, we stopped talking for TEN years. I mean...think of ten years past...all the things that change, all the missed moments, memories, opportunities. Letting go of my pride and asking for forgiveness was hard. Hurt and disappointment are heavy weights that are difficult to untie. but finally, i truly believe by divine intervention, the opportunity arose for forgiveness, for understanding, and for reconciliation. it has turned out to be one of the most treasured relationships i have in my life now, and i can't even believe that so much time past with us sitting in stalemate. but, the great news is, through forgiveness, the fracture is fixed. not just bandaged...not just a temporary fix, but a true healing. if forgiveness is to really work, it cant come with conditions. it has to be whole and complete and erasing all of the past hurts, disappointments and anger. and no matter what the situation, the forgiveness has to be extended in both directions, because no matter who started it, everyone was hurt, everyone was changed.

when you are asking for forgiveness, it is very humbling. to know that i have hurt someone, and caused them to be in a position of anger, disappointment or frustration, is about as humbling as it gets. long gone are the days of preschool where the memory of hurt is gone just about as quickly as the sharp tip on the crayola crayon. with the added joys of adulthood come the added burdens of past hurts and holding grudges. and, of course, the chance still exists that when you ask for forgiveness, your request may not be honored, and you are left in that ultra awkward place of not knowing whether to walk away, fight for the relationship, or regret it altogether. i like to believe that people are always worth fighting for. this can lead to much heartache and disappointment, as i have found that people are not rational beings, and our emotions often get the best of us much more than we like. however, i think i have come to a new conclusion that the only person you can truly control is yourself. you can't make anyone forgive you. you can't make things go back to the way they were. but what you can do, what is within your power is to ask for forgiveness...or to give forgiveness. the other person...they will either take it or not, but at least you wont have to wonder....what if...?

however, something else i have learned lately is that life is tragically short. we NEVER ever know when our last hello, goodbye, laugh, smile or hug will be. we have no guarantees of next times, tomorrows, or later ons with which to heal the hurts of the past. Gone are the days where i'm willing to let ten years slide by over a bad day, something i shouldn't have said or a misinterpretation. i have to start living a life in which every moment is treated as the last. i know it sounds cliche...because, well, "live like you are dying" has been sung, written and said into the ground...but truly...maybe that is because we all need that lesson. if you wait until tomorrow to say what you have been meaning to say, you may never get the chance. if you wait until next week to forgive or ask for forgiveness you may find yourself in the place that you never experience peace in that relationship. i can't sit around any longer and pretend that ill do it someday.

someday has to be today.

pride is strong but it is temporary.

the peace of forgiveness is strong and long lasting.

i need to forgive some people.

i need to ask some people to forgive me.

i think patty griffin said it best...better than i ever could:

it's hard to give,

but still i think its the best bet

everybody needs a little forgiveness.

aformerblonde.

Walking the line between dreams and reality

so...which of you reading have seen the movie Inception? how about Black Swan? lets go back a bit...how about The Lake House?

if you haven't seen any of these movies, you should immediately stop reading my blog and take yourself to either the nearest Redbox or the nearest movie theater and get to watching(cause you are missing out)

if you have seen at least one of these...read on, but please make sure you go see the others.

lately i have been pondering the thought of where reality ends and dreaming begins. if i sit here and write in reality, what defines this? is it because i can feel my fingers on the keyboard, or because i can feel my body in this chair as i type? couldn't i be doing those things...couldn't i perceive those same feelings in a dream? what are the advantages of existing in one instead of the other?

trouble is...i am not sure anymore that the two are different. i think i have come to decide that a dream is simply an extension of my life. a way for me to live in a way that i cannot fully exist "during the day" or in what you might call, reality. now sure, i dont actually know brad pitt, so his appearance in my dream is a bit concerning (just kidding, i never dream about brad pitt) but maybe it isn't the brad pitt of our reality. what are those people doing there? what am i doing there? are they laying in the bed or on their couch dreaming that same dream? are they living in the same extension of life? i mean...think about it. those people you "dream" of must exist in some place on this earth. isn't it possible that they are actively "dreaming" the same dream you are? whether you know who they are, or they know who you are...do we exist there together? and if so...isn't there, then, some significance to that place, to that moment, that we are meant to carry with us back to "reality". Are the feelings we feel there, experience there, any less real than if i were to pinch my arm right now. Isn't that pain the same no matter where you feel it?

I'm not saying that we should go around living in our dreams...perhaps what im saying is that...we already do. how do you explain that "deja-vu" moment? you know, where you are like...holy crap, i have SO been here before. for those that don't believe in multiple lifetimes, there would be no other explanation except that we have in fact lived that very moment before on some level of consciousness. does it play out the same? i can't remember. its fuzzy. but i know i was here before.

when we are young and we think of dreams, we think of unicorns and fairy dust and white fluffy clouds. as adults we know that dreams are not always these ethereal visions of heaven and teddy bears, but instead they deal with real people, situations, scary things, and yes, still, sometimes unicorns. perhaps those are moments when we are able to be outside of ourselves to learn from another perspective. to see things from another angle. perhaps it is our chance to see how something plays out so that when we see it again in "reality" we know how to proceed forward.

i dont have a lot of answers, instead, just many questions. but what i do know is this. i dont know where reality stops and dreaming begins...and i think i sort of prefer it that way...

dream on, friends.

aformerblonde

Sometimes you don't get what you deserve

i've come to the sudden realization that sometimes you just don't get what you deserve. for example, i have watched my cousins, friends and former classmates get married and have children. meanwhile, i am alone. i want to find that companionship. i want someone to share my day and my life with, yet, it just doesn't seem to be happening. is it something inherently wrong about me? is it something i have done? do i put out this, "fuck you" aura about me?

Sometimes you don't get what you deserve.

i want to write a book. id like someone to stumble across this blog and realize that in fact, i am, a literary genius and pay me absurd amounts of money to write a book. yet, i know just about every single person who reads my blog (who are you anonymous...you intrigue me...) and the chances are, the only way im going to get a book published is if i pay to bind the thing myself.

Sometimes you don't get what you deserve.

sometimes you are going along in your life with your perfect family and out of no where, life blindsides you with a divorce, a move away from your kids, and out of a job. and your life seemingly falls apart quicker than you can even watch where the pieces fly away to. and every attempt to put things back together seems to unravel before your eyes.

Sometimes you don't get what you deserve.

some of you long for a child of your own, something you have always dreamed of, and nothing seems to work...while for others, it seems to happen with ease. why not you? you'd be a wonderful father or mother. you have so much love to give. yet, you feel discouraged. when will it be your time?

Sometimes you don't get what you deserve.

and sometimes you just can't be the savior someone needs. the parent in pain, the significant other searching for something you just dont have to give them, the friend you can't help, the sibling you can't reach, the coworker you can't please. if only that one little miracle could happen, perhaps something, everything, could be different.

Sometimes you don't get what you deserve.

and sometimes, though you have been the worst friend possible, though you haven't been the person you should, though you could have tried harder, worked harder, prayed harder or done more, grace appears in front of your face...

as a friend who has been there all along...

as a job that isn't so much work as it is a calling...

in the arms of a loving family who no matter what welcomes you home...

as a second chance (or third or fourth)...

as a dollar in the pocket of your coat you haven't worn all year...

as a moment when you truly realize...

that sometimes you don't get what you deserve....

you get much more.

aformerblonde.

Let's try again

In the past, i have struggled with knowing what exactly what to write about...so my blog has been a mishmash of whatever came to my mind. And while that wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it made it difficult to me to be good about writing on a regular basis. A friend of mine, we will call her E, said to me the other day, "have you ever thought about writing a book?" Well, the answer to that is, I have indeed thought about it, although the recent news that both Snookie and the Situation are both published authors makes me thing that being a published author is not what it used to be. However, I DO love to write, and I think that I am somewhat good at it, and do have an uncanny ability to entertain people...so perhaps I need to sit down and start writing. Perhaps in being more disciplined, I will find a passion about what it is I want to write about. However, for my first blog, I am going to write about something that has been on my mind, and is in fact something that I am dedicating to E, since she inspired me to start writing again on this blog.

It is nearly Martin Luther King, Jr. day, and I wonder if he would be happy with the way things are today. It is true that equal rights for people of color have advanced since he left us, but have we truly advanced as a society? Perhaps a handful of people live in conditions that are better than they were back when MLK, Jr. was alive, but this country (I can't even focus on this world in general, because it is much too big) is still filled with hatred, bigotry and unequal rights. Perhaps our attention just shifts around to a different group of people we find it easier to discriminate against. There is political hatred...we hate someone because they are republican or democrat, conservative or liberal. We hate a label before we even know what it is the person believes. We hate people based on religions. We hate people based on who they love (at first I wrote choose, but I truly believe love is not a choice, but an innate desire that we have no control over.)

I live and work in a very conservative environment. I even worry what will be said when some of the people read this blog that I am writing. There will no doubt be fall out. I fear some of the conversations that I will have to have to defend my right to write what I'm writing...No doubt I will be told to head off to confession, to hate the sin but love the sinner, or who knows what. Some might condemn me, but actually, who cares. Someone needs to stand up, and I'm not going to pretend that what I have to say will tear down any walls, but it will be a ripple with a lot of other ripples floating around that will hopefully, one day be noticed.

I know many people who are gay, queer, lesbian, whatever label they choose for themselves. It is quite possible, when I make a list of these people in my life, they are some of the most genuine, honest, real and caring individuals that I know. They tell great jokes. They make me laugh. They love to go out and have a good time. Some are quiet and introspective. Others are loud and extrovert...they are really, really great people and my life has been enriched by them. But I am constantly saddened that they are often treated as second class citizens. Some of these friends of mine don't feel comfortable to be who they are outside of the confines of their close group of friends. How is it I am able to go out and be whoever I want with no judgement, but the same doesn't apply for every single human being?? If it was a discussion in congress right now to allow black people to marry white people, this nation would be outraged. However, there are some that still feel that women should not be able to marry women, and men should not be able to marry men. I don't get it? How is it we have yet to arrive at being compassionate, loving and accepting human beings? At what point does someone finally wake up and realize how crazy it is that in 2011 we are still engaging in this rhetoric??

I recently found out that a very dear friend of mine wishes she was born a different gender. I think for a small moment, she was petrified she told me. In fact, I know she was. I don't blame her, because this world is filled with ignorance and fear which leads to judgement and hate. Because of these things, she will likely NEVER be able to be who she truly feels she is. It makes me so...sad, frustrated, and disappointed. I know that the people she fears rejection from are some of the same people I associate with. (Not all of you...I know some of you who read this are open minded, loving humans, who accept each person for who they are). Am I part of the problem, or the solution?

Why aren't we all free to just be? Why do humans feel the need to control others, to fit them in some imaginary box? Why is it that being different is seen as a threat instead of a thing of beauty? I once had a conversation with someone I know of which the consensus was "if being gay was a choice, why would ANYONE choose that?" Think about it...why would anyone choose something that would cause them to be hated, discriminated against, seen as less than human by some and robbed of rights that are inherent to others? Why can't we just let people be who they are?

I will never understand what it is my friend feels...feeling that you are not in the right skin. I will never know the confusion of not being able to truly be who I am. But what I simply cannot understand is how, nearly 50 years after his famous "I Have a Dream Speech" we still do not embrace the words that he spoke, and the ideals for which he died. Shifting judgment and hatred is not what he had in mind. Fearing and hating differences is not what it means to say that "All Men are created equal." Hiding behind religious convictions that protect us against treating people with dignity and respect just isn't going to do it for me anymore.

I wish all of my friends could sit around one table and find that the differences in us are the things that make this world so truly beautiful. If fear, judgement and hatred could be replaced with openness, acceptance and love, imagine all the ways this world could be better...okay, that sounded a bit utopian, but just think about your world...the people you surround yourself with. Imagine if just for a second, you could remove those things from your circle of friends, the people you know and see every day...how would it change things? Perhaps my friend could be who he is, without fear of judgement or rejection. I wish he could know what it felt like to truly love himself exactly the way he is. I hope that sometime in my lifetime this will be true. That there will be no stigma, no one to run away from, no need to hide your true self.

I know the person that I am writing about is going to read this blog, so I am going to close with the following remarks. I love you for who you are, and I know that many other people on this earth do/will/would/could feel the same. I know this isn't the time for you, but just know that I am hoping that the time will come for you and when it does, I'll be there every step of the way...after all, isn't that what being human is all about?

I hope it won't take us another 50 years to realize that we still have a lot of work to do to truly be, "free at last."

xoxo.

aformerblonde.