the emotions that precede forgiveness are the antithesis of the very word itself:
anger
rage
frustration
disappointment
jealousy
fear
judgement
hate
those things that we wish we could somehow remove from our vocabulary so that we wouldn't be in the position to ever feel them in the first place.
and then, i guess, too, forgiveness depends on which side of the word you are on.
i had this family member, one that i loved very much, and for one reason or another, we stopped talking for TEN years. I mean...think of ten years past...all the things that change, all the missed moments, memories, opportunities. Letting go of my pride and asking for forgiveness was hard. Hurt and disappointment are heavy weights that are difficult to untie. but finally, i truly believe by divine intervention, the opportunity arose for forgiveness, for understanding, and for reconciliation. it has turned out to be one of the most treasured relationships i have in my life now, and i can't even believe that so much time past with us sitting in stalemate. but, the great news is, through forgiveness, the fracture is fixed. not just bandaged...not just a temporary fix, but a true healing. if forgiveness is to really work, it cant come with conditions. it has to be whole and complete and erasing all of the past hurts, disappointments and anger. and no matter what the situation, the forgiveness has to be extended in both directions, because no matter who started it, everyone was hurt, everyone was changed.
when you are asking for forgiveness, it is very humbling. to know that i have hurt someone, and caused them to be in a position of anger, disappointment or frustration, is about as humbling as it gets. long gone are the days of preschool where the memory of hurt is gone just about as quickly as the sharp tip on the crayola crayon. with the added joys of adulthood come the added burdens of past hurts and holding grudges. and, of course, the chance still exists that when you ask for forgiveness, your request may not be honored, and you are left in that ultra awkward place of not knowing whether to walk away, fight for the relationship, or regret it altogether. i like to believe that people are always worth fighting for. this can lead to much heartache and disappointment, as i have found that people are not rational beings, and our emotions often get the best of us much more than we like. however, i think i have come to a new conclusion that the only person you can truly control is yourself. you can't make anyone forgive you. you can't make things go back to the way they were. but what you can do, what is within your power is to ask for forgiveness...or to give forgiveness. the other person...they will either take it or not, but at least you wont have to wonder....what if...?
however, something else i have learned lately is that life is tragically short. we NEVER ever know when our last hello, goodbye, laugh, smile or hug will be. we have no guarantees of next times, tomorrows, or later ons with which to heal the hurts of the past. Gone are the days where i'm willing to let ten years slide by over a bad day, something i shouldn't have said or a misinterpretation. i have to start living a life in which every moment is treated as the last. i know it sounds cliche...because, well, "live like you are dying" has been sung, written and said into the ground...but truly...maybe that is because we all need that lesson. if you wait until tomorrow to say what you have been meaning to say, you may never get the chance. if you wait until next week to forgive or ask for forgiveness you may find yourself in the place that you never experience peace in that relationship. i can't sit around any longer and pretend that ill do it someday.
someday has to be today.
pride is strong but it is temporary.
the peace of forgiveness is strong and long lasting.
i need to forgive some people.
i need to ask some people to forgive me.
i think patty griffin said it best...better than i ever could:
it's hard to give,
but still i think its the best bet
everybody needs a little forgiveness.
aformerblonde.
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