ill need 10 letters of recommendations and $10,000

i spent the last 5 days apartment hunting.

this shouldn't cause much distress, however, if you are apartment hunting in nyc, that phrase should be enough to cause nightmares and night sweats.

in five days i saw about 15 apartments and three, thats right THREE seemed somewhat suitable for living in. after traipsing uptown, downtown and midtown.

i don't have time or battery (left in my BRAND SPANKING NEW MACBOOK PRO) to tell you all of the horror stories, plus i have to save something for later, but i will share one apartment for your laughing pleasure:

i was taken to a nice apartment near Sutton area. it was in an excellent doorman building, and the lobby was promising. when the listing broker came down, she informed us that if i wanted the apartment unfurnished, the rent would be $2,650, but furnished, it was $2,375. i dont even understand that, and have no idea where to even start, so lets just move on. perhaps it is nice furniture and a really nice apartment. the current tenants were still in the apartment, and were actually there when i visited. first, the broker knocked on the door and no one answered. so, she let herself in, to find that one of the residents was dressed in an outfit that made her appear to be completely nude. i closed my eyes quickly and then realized it was some sort of flesh colored romper that she was wearing. we stepped into the apartment and i was overcome with two thoughts:

holy crap thats a lot of stuff.

holy crap thats a lot of mirrors.

you see, these people were like borderline hoarders. there was so much stuff...everywhere...that you couldn't even see the furniture that was being left. was it a couch and a chair? two couches? a couch and two chairs? i am so confused. all i can see is crap.

and woah, wait one second. no one told me we were going to coney island. is this the fun house? i am not even exaggerating a tiny bit when i tell you that EVERY SINGLE piece of wall real estate was covered with mirrors. truly. mirrors everywhere. i kept thinking that someone was following to closely, only to find that it was just my reflection. wait, which one of you is my real mom. not only would this apartment leave me feeling completely self conscious, i started to understand why those people had so much crap. perhaps if they just piled enough stuff on the floors, furniture, etc, they could just block the mirrors. i think it is enough to drive someone crazy. like, you could go all "black swan" if you spent too much time in there. i could barely find the exit, since the door was covered in mirrors. i loved, most of all, that the broker pointed out, "a full length mirror on the door." ya think? get me out of this freak house.

ultimately, i put in two apps for potential apartments. one of them has gone through, but i am mind-boggled by the amount of information and MONEY they need for you to have a place to live. first, there is the application. 15 pages here, 5 pages here, pretty soon, i have created a thesis statement of applications. then, there are the letters of recommendation. let me start by telling you that i got accepted into the Columbia PhD program with fewer letters of recommendation. personal, professional, clergy, doctor, first grade teacher (okay, that was an exaggeration, but it is close to the idea.) next a statement of assets and liabilities. are you kidding? i am a teacher. im lucky to not be homeless. savings? right. im single, i have a 15 year mortgage and gas is $4.00 a gallon. i think not. oh, you say you need about $10,000 in order to make this happen? first and last months rent...okay. a processing fee of $375? for WHAT? courier fee of $35? i'll take it myself. credit checks, security deposit, move in fees, move out fees, pet security and broker fees? sorry if i can't breath, but i just watched my bank account be raped, perhaps murdered and left bloody and empty.

i was listing to my ipad on the flight home and wicked came on, and i started to chuckle at this line:

thats why i couldn't be happier, no, i couldnt be happier, oh it is i admit the tiniest bit unlike i anticipated but i couldn't be happier simply couldn't be happier well, not simply, cause getting your dreams its strange but it seems a little well, complicated. theres a kind of a sort of cost theres a couple of things get lost, there are bridges you cross you didn't know you crossed until you crossed. and if that joy, that thrill doesn't thrill like you think it will, still with this perfect finale the cheers and the ballyhoo who wouldn't be happier so i couldnt be happier because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true. well isn't it? happy is what happens when your dreams come true. thank goodness.

here's the deal. i have(well, will soon have) a great place to live close to work and a semi-easy commute to Columbia. but my goodness, it wasn't nearly what i thought it would be, finding an apartment. i wont be living like the gossip girls, or charlotte from sex in the city, but, i am indeed, "movin' on up...to the east side...to a deluxe apartment in the skyyyy." (okay the 4th floor, but it has a porch, so its sort of like being in the sky, right?

i hope you will all, somehow, forgive me for my contribution to global warming. thank GOODNESS i got a two year lease. now if you will pardon me, i have to go find something to sell to pay all those fees.

akygirlgonenyc.