ivy league happiness

i have always loved an "a".

i used to love those "s+"'s that we used to get in grade school.

and then i loved the "a's".

i went through a bit of time where i loved the B.E.E.R. a little more than the "a".

thank god that didn't hurt me too much.

but i will tell you something i know now:

an ivy league A feels so much better than any A i got at UK, LCHS or MQHR.  (now thats a lot of letters).

it feels even better when the professor talks about how people are going to be spending their thanksgiving breaks redoing their 15 page papers.

it feels even better after you break into a cold sweat as you watch your holiday weekend flash before your eyes as you sweat over your Macbook Air as you retype the paper you read 15 psychology journals to find unique and meaningful studies for what you wanted to say.

it feels even better when you find out there was only 1 perfect score, and only 2 9/10's.  (this is the point when you start screaming like a little girl in a candy shop inside your head--after all, gloating isn't sexy).

it feels even better when that annoying kid in class (okay, he is probably 30) who asks questions you can't even understand (who am i kidding, i barely understand the words he says) got a re-do and asks YOU to give him feedback.

it feels even better to think about how after the first day of this class, you burst into tears and wanted to drop out.

i felt stupid.
i felt so far behind.
i felt that perhaps they meant to admit someone else, and i accidentally got let in.

but now.
now i feel like a million bucks.

i put the paper on my OWN refrigerator.
because i earned that on my own.
from my fancy, dancy ivy league phd program.
because i didn't quit though i wanted to.
though i had to read more journals than i have ever read in my life.
and though i thought i might puke as i turned to the back page of that paper.

and saw that i not only earned an A, i earned an A PLUS.  its my first one in my college career, because they don't have them at UK.

my first A+ from arguably one of the best schools in the country.

it feels good to feel smart.
(even though i know you have been telling me that for a long time)
it feels good to believe it.

i have SO much to be thankful for.

happy thanksgiving folks.

colie

Tolerance and a Short Message about Stars

today i was able to experience a very unique and wonderful event--TEDx Youth.  This was an independently operated TED event organized and led by some girls from another all-girls school on the Upper East Side.  i only was able to stay for a portion of this event but i have two things i want to share from it at this time.

the first thing i want to touch on is the message of tolerance.  i must say that in my "mean girl" demeanor i often am less than "tolerant".  it might be the tourist who stops to take the picture in the middle of the sidewalk, or the annoying person in the subway.  it might be the guy who has asked me for money in 10 different spots across the city saying he needs money to "get home".  i like to think i'm tolerant.  that im accepting of many types of people, but the reality is, i think it is easy to be tolerant of people who are similar to me, but when it comes to people who are different, that is where i tend to be intolerant.  

this incredibly amazing guy named marc elliot gave a TEDx talk today and sold the following message: 

live and let live.

well, who is he to say this?

marc has lived with turrets for 20 years.  he shared some stories from his life that were appalling, heartbreaking, humorous.  i wanted to feel sorry for him, but instead, he told us there was nothing to be "sorry" for.  in fact, it was quite the opposite.  marc's disease has given him the ability to live a life of tolerance i have never seen before.  

live and let live.

don't give a funny stare.  don't laugh under your breath.  don't talk behind their back.  

the truth is, i don't know the struggles people are facing in their life.  i don't know where they come from, what they have been through, what their life has been like.  and dear god am i sometimes in need of this sort of tolerance.  sometimes our struggles are private.  sometimes our struggles are public.  but every struggle we go through affects the way we deal with others.

live and let live. 

i need to work on this.  i want to work on this.

here is marc's video.  i highly recommend you watch some of his stuff.  it changed me, that is without a doubt.

one last word on marc.  he doesn't tic anymore.  one of the girls from my school asked him how it is he doesn't tic anymore.  and he said that he took some classes on guess what...JOY.  funny.  i JUST blogged about that.  joy has enabled him to stop his tics.  i think i need to spend even more time contemplating joy.    if it did such amazing things for marc, what could it possibly do for me?  

and then, there is a little business about stars.  there was this amazingly talented 19 year old named ajay johnson who shared an incredible story and some even more incredible poetry during her TEDx talk.  in one of her poems she shared, there was a line i had to borrow a pen to write down.  it was this: 

i learned a lot about stars that year

i learned not to invest in things you know will fall

even if they eventually fall where you want them to.

mr. universe sure had a message for me this morning.

this week has been a struggle emotionally for me.  i can't really get into it for many reasons but the first and foremost being the privacy of all involved.  but i found it interesting that i shared this experience with someone whom perhaps this part spoke to me about.  and i reach an awkward part of this blog because i know this person will read my blog.  thats when having this whole "online diary" thing becomes a bit "strange"...do you share without restriction or do you just lay it all out there.  i've never really held back before though, and I'm not going to now.

its funny how the stars crashed together...live and let live, but don't invest in things you know will fall.  

so i both speak to this person and to the other 75ish people who read this blog on a regular basis (by the way...THANK YOU...i can't tell you how awesome it is to know that so many of you read).

i haven't got a clue where you have been in your life.  i can't pretend to know your life story or the things that make you tic.  wouldn't it be cool if we each had 30 minutes to tell each other our "life stories".  the disappointments and joys that we have faced.  i think we would both be surprised what we would learn about the other.  and i wonder about the assumptions you might make about me.  and i wonder about the assumptions i make about you. 

but then, there are the stars...and what i learned from them today.  don't invest in things you know will fall.  live and let live.  

i heard what you said.

and i respect it because i can't pretend to know where you have been or what makes you tic.

but

i want to.

for some inexplicable, irrational reason

i do.

and though i completely expect for this not to happen.

i still do.

and this tiny voice inside me says that at the very least it is nice to know you are wanted, and there can never be a loss at giving that information even when it isn't returned, for whatever reason.

though i fear i have said too much...a life without risk is no life at all.

live and let live. let the stars fall where they may. but i am going to try to stop chasing that star, and watch where it falls.  

colie.

my oh my how time flies

first, my apologies.

i had to relocate my blog for various reasons, the first of which being that my old URL was not reflective of the direction the blog had taken, so i found it more fitting to just have a new start with a fresh "site", and just moved the materials over.

so, as i write this, it has been nearly FIVE months since i moved to nyc.  in that time i have done so much i can't even begin to cover it, but most notably i should tell you that I KILLED A MOUSE, and yet i STILL HAVE A MOUSE!  i think this is the universe's opportunity for me to overcome my completely irrational fear of mice.

dear universe,
it isn't working. please cease and desist.
love,
colie

i have also made a bucket of new friends and a handful of really good friends.  i have reconnected with old friends that i never thought i would cross paths with again and i have learned about the sting of rejection in a whole new way.

it has been an experience.  an adventure.  even though i am always exhausted at the end of the day, i am always ready for the next day.  there is something exhilarating about not knowing (literally) what is around the next block, on the next bus, riding on the subway next to you, etc., etc., etc.

for example, just monday, on my way back from class, i overheard the following conversation.  to protect the rights of the...well..."odd" i will not reveal their names.  we will call them man 1 and man 2.

man 1: yo man you wanna sit down
man 2: yea old man
man 1: listen young man dont call me old
man 2: sorry man
man 1: you know what you need to learn? don't ever let someone steal your joy
man 2: my joy?
man 1: yea your joy.  its all you have dont let anyone rob it from you.  kick them in the nuts and run away with your joy.
man 2: are you on drugs
man 1: why? where do you get your weed?
man 2: what are you talking about?
man 1: have a nice day.
man 2: have a nice life.

see?  who knew that such wise advise from the universe would find it's way to me on a bus.  maybe you are laughing.  i did too, but only on the inside because if you laugh at people on the outside in the city, they may punch you in the face.  so, after i laughed on the inside, went home, and looked for a mouse, i actually started to think about what the old man said.

it's funny, this thing called joy.  joy is defined as the "emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune, or by the prospect of possessing what one desires."  i think the first part of this definition is actually what i usually think of when i think of joy.  look at all this success i found...im so joyful.  look! i'm rich! what a joy.  im healthy and happy and wonderful...i'm so full of joy.  thats easy.  thats the joy ive been basking in since moving here.  sort of that...ohhh, all your dreams came true! yay!  but then, when that dies down, what is left behind is...what now?

that brings me to the second and more difficult part of the definition, "the prospect of possessing what one desires." huh. isn't that something.  (rush to the dictionary to look up prospect).  prospect is "the act of looking forward."  so now im supposed to be joyful when i look forward to what i want that i might one day have.  say WHAT? 

interestingly this hit me in a very real way last week.  you see, i wanted something REALLY bad.  and i went for it.  flung myself out to the wind with wild abandon.  and guess what?  the wind turned out to be gale force wind and met me head on and knocked me out.  it did not just set me back down on the ground.  it knocked the wind out of my sails.  i was actually crushed.  i was in a meeting when i got the "bad news" and it was all i could do to not burst into tears.  here is the hard thing: wanting something now and not having it now.  not knowing whether to wait for it.  not knowing whether to keep pursuing it.  not knowing whether you will ever have it.  it SUCKS the joy right out of me.

and now, miriam-webster, whoever she is, is telling me that in that very moment--when the universe just kicked me in the proverbial nuts, that is when i should have this thing called joy. 

and i realized this. as i sat in my bed with the tv on mute and my winter boots on and a broom and flashlight in hand and listened for the stupid little mickey mouse running around my freaking apartment.  i should be joyful, because ONE day (please PLEASE let it be soon) ill have an apartment without a mouse.

one day ill have my phd
one day that person will say yes.
one day ill have what i dont have now
the prospect brings the joy.

and it is interesting if one really stops to ponder this, if we all lived in this manner, there would be no choice but to have joy all the time.  because no matter if something was good (joy) or bad (remember, PROSEPCT), joy remains. 

it isn't about God or god or Buddha or anything else. joy is separate from religion and crosses all language, race, gender and other barriers. 

so i wiped my tears of rejection out of my eyes, and i put on my big girl pants.  i have joy of the things i have now, and the prospect of many wonderful things to come in my future. thats the important things you learn on the bus.

that, and of course, where to buy weed.
colie