my oh my how time flies

first, my apologies.

i had to relocate my blog for various reasons, the first of which being that my old URL was not reflective of the direction the blog had taken, so i found it more fitting to just have a new start with a fresh "site", and just moved the materials over.

so, as i write this, it has been nearly FIVE months since i moved to nyc.  in that time i have done so much i can't even begin to cover it, but most notably i should tell you that I KILLED A MOUSE, and yet i STILL HAVE A MOUSE!  i think this is the universe's opportunity for me to overcome my completely irrational fear of mice.

dear universe,
it isn't working. please cease and desist.
love,
colie

i have also made a bucket of new friends and a handful of really good friends.  i have reconnected with old friends that i never thought i would cross paths with again and i have learned about the sting of rejection in a whole new way.

it has been an experience.  an adventure.  even though i am always exhausted at the end of the day, i am always ready for the next day.  there is something exhilarating about not knowing (literally) what is around the next block, on the next bus, riding on the subway next to you, etc., etc., etc.

for example, just monday, on my way back from class, i overheard the following conversation.  to protect the rights of the...well..."odd" i will not reveal their names.  we will call them man 1 and man 2.

man 1: yo man you wanna sit down
man 2: yea old man
man 1: listen young man dont call me old
man 2: sorry man
man 1: you know what you need to learn? don't ever let someone steal your joy
man 2: my joy?
man 1: yea your joy.  its all you have dont let anyone rob it from you.  kick them in the nuts and run away with your joy.
man 2: are you on drugs
man 1: why? where do you get your weed?
man 2: what are you talking about?
man 1: have a nice day.
man 2: have a nice life.

see?  who knew that such wise advise from the universe would find it's way to me on a bus.  maybe you are laughing.  i did too, but only on the inside because if you laugh at people on the outside in the city, they may punch you in the face.  so, after i laughed on the inside, went home, and looked for a mouse, i actually started to think about what the old man said.

it's funny, this thing called joy.  joy is defined as the "emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune, or by the prospect of possessing what one desires."  i think the first part of this definition is actually what i usually think of when i think of joy.  look at all this success i found...im so joyful.  look! i'm rich! what a joy.  im healthy and happy and wonderful...i'm so full of joy.  thats easy.  thats the joy ive been basking in since moving here.  sort of that...ohhh, all your dreams came true! yay!  but then, when that dies down, what is left behind is...what now?

that brings me to the second and more difficult part of the definition, "the prospect of possessing what one desires." huh. isn't that something.  (rush to the dictionary to look up prospect).  prospect is "the act of looking forward."  so now im supposed to be joyful when i look forward to what i want that i might one day have.  say WHAT? 

interestingly this hit me in a very real way last week.  you see, i wanted something REALLY bad.  and i went for it.  flung myself out to the wind with wild abandon.  and guess what?  the wind turned out to be gale force wind and met me head on and knocked me out.  it did not just set me back down on the ground.  it knocked the wind out of my sails.  i was actually crushed.  i was in a meeting when i got the "bad news" and it was all i could do to not burst into tears.  here is the hard thing: wanting something now and not having it now.  not knowing whether to wait for it.  not knowing whether to keep pursuing it.  not knowing whether you will ever have it.  it SUCKS the joy right out of me.

and now, miriam-webster, whoever she is, is telling me that in that very moment--when the universe just kicked me in the proverbial nuts, that is when i should have this thing called joy. 

and i realized this. as i sat in my bed with the tv on mute and my winter boots on and a broom and flashlight in hand and listened for the stupid little mickey mouse running around my freaking apartment.  i should be joyful, because ONE day (please PLEASE let it be soon) ill have an apartment without a mouse.

one day ill have my phd
one day that person will say yes.
one day ill have what i dont have now
the prospect brings the joy.

and it is interesting if one really stops to ponder this, if we all lived in this manner, there would be no choice but to have joy all the time.  because no matter if something was good (joy) or bad (remember, PROSEPCT), joy remains. 

it isn't about God or god or Buddha or anything else. joy is separate from religion and crosses all language, race, gender and other barriers. 

so i wiped my tears of rejection out of my eyes, and i put on my big girl pants.  i have joy of the things i have now, and the prospect of many wonderful things to come in my future. thats the important things you learn on the bus.

that, and of course, where to buy weed.
colie