long time

it's been a long time.

and even as i sit here and look at this box, i am not exactly sure what i want to say.  i've been doing a little purging and pondering, and i'm not sure where it has left me.

i purged many of my Facebook friends in a "cleansing" process.  i'm sure this will cut down my blog views, but i don't really care.  i've been purging negative energy and thoughts by spending time at the gym, walking around the city, and having really great times with really great friends.  i've eaten at some fabulous restaurants.  i've done some awesome things. i've seen some great places.  i've gone on some dates.  mostly failures.  but a couple of real gems.  we have done some fun things together that i've really enjoyed.  but, i find perhaps i'm too sensitive for my own good, and apparently too "kind" or "thoughtful" for native new yorkers or brooklyn hipsters.  this is good news, though, as i can start narrowing down my search.

i've been reading a lot...very consumed in my studies, and starting to narrow down my interests for the dirty d word (dissertation) that looms ahead of me.  my eyes have been opened.  my conversations have changed.  my observations are more purposeful.  i question.  i answer. i challenge. and i wonder how i can contribute, change, engage.

purging and pondering.  pondering and purging.  it's been almost 7 months since i have moved here and i finally feel settled.  but i feel, because i have settled into my new life, i have started to change my mentality.  sort of like jimmy buffet said: changes in attitude, changes in latitude.  only strike that and reverse it: changes in latitude, changes in attitude.

i've identified some awesome new besties.  two girls in particular who i work with, j and n, who i adore.  the exchange of 300 Facebook friends allowed me to add 2 that were well worth the exchange.  i've begun to acknowledge that it is not quantity but quality.  and the quality i have found is well worth the quantity i cut out.

interestingly, in my purge, i made some observations.  some people, the ones i was meant to come back to, realized i had "un-friended" them in the Facebook world, and re-friended me.  and i accepted.  but many others...the ones i had both hoped would, but anticipated would not, did not disappoint.  they did not reach back out to me.  they may not have (even now) realized that i disappeared from their feed.  and in all actuality, i don't care.  life is all about how we move in and out, cross over, join, and walk away from people, relationships, places, events, memories.  pre-facebook/twitter/social networking, we let this happen, and would tell stories about old friends, old places, old times.  now, we seem to be permanently attached to people, places, things and situations we should have long ago let go of.  holding on because we can.  why not?  why?  is it possible to move on fully, completely, properly if we do not let go of what is meant to be let go of?  what i have found, from this experience is, no.

if you do not let go, you do not fully move on.

though i was hoping to clean up my Facebook feed, instead, i cleaned up my opportunity to move on.  i was less attached to what was happening somewhere else, with someone else, in some other time, and i made myself more available to what my life currently is.

i love my students more and i'm more available to them.
i love my friends more. both the ones i was meant to hold onto and the ones i have recently crashed into.
i am more open to the moment.
i pay more attention to what and who is around me.
i live more fully and more presently in my life.

i do at times find myself lamenting something that was lost.
something that was given up.
some place that was left behind.
i wonder why, what if, maybe.
but i no longer allow myself to entertain those thoughts or discussions and instead i move to the present situation, location, and people.

and the overall result is this: i FINALLY feel comfortable in my skin, my life, my place, and no longer feel pulled to be anywhere, anything or with anybody i am not.

one by one i purge.
one by one i keep.
one by one i gain.

i'm learning.  i'm learning i'm not perfect.  i'm learning i'm dispensable to some.
i'm learning to be okay with this.

 i'm learning not everyone or everything is worth fighting for.  i'm learning some people just need to be let go.  i'm learning about the words inevitable, unavoidable, uninhibited, free. i'm learning that i won't always understand, be the best, or even be chosen.
i'm learning to be okay with this.

i'm learning what it means to cook in a tiny kitchen.  to want to get take out every night.  to know which subway car to get into so that i'll be closet to the stairs. to know whether i want the NW or SW subway exit. to know that the 7 train never runs on the weekend. to hail a cab when everyone needs a cab.

i'm learning to find my way.
i'm learning to make my way.
i'm learning to to lose my way.
i'm learning to be okay with this.

and i'm learning one more word.  one that i have certainly felt before.  one i have talked about before. but one i never really, fully meant until now:

happy.

months ago i posted these lyrics from wicked, "happy is what happens when all your dreams come true."

well, glinda lied.

giddy is what happens when you dream comes true.

happy is what happens when you let it.

colie.

Best thing I never had

hello from 2012.

it's a new year and somehow, last night i heard myself say, "this just hasn't been my year."

and it caused me to pause.  and i realized what a brat i sounded like, as we were only 5 days into the new year and i was already complaining.

it was 5 days in and honestly i had been battling for all 5 of them.  i decided to make some changes this year and i think it hasn't been popular with some people.

first, i sifted my facebook friends list from 406 to 93.  93.  i told myself that unless i considered this person to be a real, true friend, i wasn't going to keep them on my facebook.  that if they haven't called me or reached out to me without me doing it first in the last 6 months, they were going to be deleted.  and even if i had talked to them, if they weren't REALLY my friend, meaning they were friends on facebook because we used to be friends back in the day, or i wanted to keep in touch with what they were doing...well, i deleted them too.  i wonder how long it will take some of them to notice.  some already have.  and some don't like it, and you know what i have decided?  i don't give a damn.

and that is now my new mantra:  i don't give a damn

oh, you don't like me?  i don't give a damn.
you think i'm too heavy? i don't give a damn.
you don't like my lifestyle? i don't give a damn.
and you are going to treat me like crap because your heart is broken? screw you.

i finally hit this point last night after a "friend" of mine really blew my top yesterday.

and then, i just got pissed off.
and then i turned on some Beyonce, and realized that this is EXACTLY how i felt:

thank god you blew it.  i'm so over you.
honestly,
you turned out to be the best thing i never had.
and I'm going to always be the best thing you never had.  and it serves you right.
it SUCKS to be you.

this year is going to be about me.  its going to be about surrounding myself with people who are fine with me the way i am.  who will love me and care about me no matter what.  my real TRUE friends.

i joined the gym.  FOR ME.
i drop the f bomb when i feel like it. Cause I like to.
i am going out with someone who would PISS a certain someone off next thursday.
you know why? because this is my life. and i'm done living it for everyone else.
im 32 years old, and now, its my turn. and the best revenge is a life well lived.

and im not angry when i type any of this.  actually, i feel empowered.  today at work, this woman who paid an obscene amount of money to be one of the founding members of Virgin Galactic, which will take regular people like you or i into space, just BECAUSE they can, came to talk to us.   and in the end, one of the students asked her: what did your parents think when you told them?  and she said, you know, they are used to be me being crazy.  i love to do things that are outside of my comfort zone.  i like to be up against the wall.  that's where you find your character.  that's where you find out what you are made of.

oh, my sweet soon to be astronaut friend.  nothing happens without a reason.  ive been up against a wall.  in fact, i still am in many ways.  but, im on a mission to find out who i am, what im made of and to define and test my character.

and if you are still my facebook friend, and you don't like what i have to say here, i have one thing to say to you:

unfriend me.  i dont give a damn.

its not about you.  its about me.

happy new year.  be true to you. and if they don't like it.
don't give a damn.

colie.

its hard to dance with devil on your back...

i have had a terrible 7 days.

but today is a new dawn.

in 7 days i had an amazing date, made a huge mistake, found an unexpected and much needed friend, lost something important, found something more important and finished something.

and today is a new dawn.

i love florence and the machine.  and i really like this song...pause reading and go watch/listen:

and out of that song, there are so many profound things, but I love this the most:

it's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off.
and i am done with my graceless heart so im gonna cut it out and then restart...
and its always darkest before the dawn.

i've been carrying a devil around for a while.  too many of them in fact.
secrets. heartbreaks. disappointments. insecurities. unhappiness.
and those damn devils all jumped on my back in the last 7 days.

and i let them break me...apart...into millions of pieces.

poor choices that cost me dearly.  deleted research papers.  a mouse in the house.  the "you're overweight"s, the loneliness.  the "not enoughs" that i haven't been able to shake.   

and last night, i sort of hit the darkest before the dawn.

but this time, there was something different.  in this sea of concrete and people moving fast.
i found a friend.
a real, good, honest friend.
who told me im better than the devils dancing around on my back.
who told me im worth more than the tears.
who told me to do the next right thing and go to sleep because it would be better in the morning.
and
she was right.

a banana and my bed were the next right thing. 

oh florence, you were right when you said regrets collect like old friends.

that is, until you find new ones. my new friend...the one who is always there with the phone call, the hug, the text telling me to walk, to do the next right thing, to eat a banana while she froze outside because she had no cell phone service in her warm apartment finally, finally broke through the stubbornness.  my jiminey cricket of sorts...that voice in my head became the voice in my heart that KNEW she was right.  and that's the difference.  i'm a smart girl and the things that i hear in my head i can talk myself into, out of, make a reason for, an excuse for.  but you see, something different happens when it hits your heart.  the heart cannot be reasoned with.  the heart is strong.  the heart WANTS to be free. 

and today my body is exhausted from the devils ive been carrying around. but I'M DONE.
and some of you may not agree with the me that awoke this morning in the dawn.  but im on a mission, and that number one mission is to love me.  and to BE me.  and to be okay with that.  and it is wholly possible that some of the people who read this may be a "casualty" of this shake off.  its not personal, at least not for you.  it's personal for me.   and im ready to suffer, but dammit im ready to hope. 

and i turned up florence and i danced around my apartment and watched the devils fly off my back.

and in this moment...i am freer than i have been in as long as i can remember.  its a new dawn.  and the devils are gone.  and i WILL not let them back.  i am tired of carrying that damn dead heavy horse around, i'm tired of being tired.  and as my friend said to me last night...you will NOT let this city beat you.  You are BETTER than that.  and you know what...shes right.  i need to get over myself.  and get a hold of myself.  and be BETTER than that, than this, than whatever devil comes after me today. 

oh, i have a lot of work to do.  i have a lot of trust that has to be repaired with some important people in my life.  i have a lot of things i need to say to a lot of people who may not like them.  but i wont take you as a devil on my back again.  my love affair with the devils on my back are OVER, "its a fine romance but now it's done." 

and now, im going to eat a banana.  im going to walk the 35 some odd blocks to where i need to go, and im going to do it without the weight of my disappointments, angers and regrets weighing me down.

now, go dance your own dance.  shake the devils off.  i have a LOT of work to do, and you might too...but im telling you what...you can FEEL those things fly off your back when you are ready to let them go.

you will catch me dancing down park ave.  finally being FREE to be ME.  shake it off.

colie.

if you dont have what you want, want what you have

what a roller coaster of a week. 

some of you know the whole story, but others of you know what you have followed through facebook messages.

but in a way of making my blogs appeal to all people in general i share this:

if you don't have what you want, want what you have.

last night, while things in one part of my life fell apart, another part came together in a wonderful and real way.

my personal life didn't go the way i wanted, but meanwhile my professional life was reaching the highest point of my young career.

and though i couldn't sleep last night, (clearly I'm an overthinker), and I am exhausted this morning, it is a mixed exhaustion.  my mind and eyes and heart are exhausted from the emotions of the personal, and my legs and sides and arms are exhausted from dancing the night away at my school's holiday party. 

while a text was coming in telling me that promises of more were no more, the people who surrounded me with a physical presence were smiles and laughter and promises of a different kind.

and as i sit here back at work again, surrounded by smiles of students who love me(for reasons i can't even begin to comprehend) and faculty that are talking about our dance party last night and my big win of private yoga lessons i am reminded of something we all need to be reminded of at some point:

if you don't have what you want, want what you have.

i have the most incredible job at the most amazing place surrounded by the most wonderful and supportive faculty, and i get to teach the greatest students every day.  faculty that boogie down at the holiday party.  faculty who you laugh with until you hurt.  faculty that embrace who you are and what you have to offer.  students that shout "we love you ms. b" when they see me in the hallway.  students that scream and ambush the elevator when it opens and they see me.  students who come find me to see if i will go to the roof with them.  i have never been so rewarded in a place i have worked. 

so while one part is empty, the other is overflowing.

i want, celebrate and love what i have. 

and i trust that if this much has aligned, the other part will eventually too.

i think, especially in this holiday season where the focus is on excess and wanting more, it is interesting that his has been my lesson to learn.

colie.

hearts get broken and slow is fine with me

to those of you who know me well, i dont need to tell you that im a feelings kind of girl.

i feel things acutely, and in wonderful ways. 

and i say what i feel when i feel it.

and it has actually served me quite well most of my life.

but now im learning something new.

slow is sometimes better.

broken hearts are slow to mend.

but im really good at mending and fixing.

and whats more i really love to do it.

i just have to be told sometimes.

to slow down

because the journey is better than the destination.

when i was in high school, my english teacher gave me this poem called Ithaka.

back then i thought it was beautiful, but i didn't understand it.  i asked her about it and she said that there would come a time in my life that i would need that poem and it's meaning would become clear to me in a way she couldn't tell me.  

so i folded it up and kept it in a little folder of things i keep.

and today, half way through my double period with my 10th grade girls i realized that i understood.

and part of me hopes you are reading and part of me hopes you arent.

because i dont want to say the wrong words.

but im speaking to all of you.

slow is better.  there are many things to see along the way.  and im actually ready and willing to take a slow journey.

i hope you will come along.  i think there are many wonderful things to see.

and for the rest of you, i hope your journeys are just as beautiful as the one in this poem.

and, the wonderful thing is, you don't have to know where you are going to take a journey.  you can just set out with person you want to set out with, and set out.

ITHAKA

As you set out for Ithaka

hope the voyage is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
angry Poseidon-don't be afraid of them:
you'll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
wild Poseidon-you won't encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Hope the voyage is a long one.
May there be many a summer morning when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you come into harbors seen for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind-
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to gather stores of knowledge from their scholars.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you are destined for.
But do not hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you are old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you would not have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.

And if you find her poor, Ithaka won't have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you will have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.

colie.

not enough

im tired of being "not enough".

its always something.

not smart enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not who knows what enough.

i don't get the a+, the skinny jeans, the "yes" for a date.

and dammit it is frustrating.

since when did just being who you are turn into not enough?

i'm happy with who i am, so i'm not looking for sympathy.  there is nothing for you to be sympathetic about.

im in a great place.  i love my life.

but i keep thinking, why is it not enough?

why is getting a's as a phd student at an ivy league school not enough?
why is having a good job, a nice apartment and nice things not enough?
why is being something other than a size 4 not enough?
why is not looking like...i don't even know...who are we benchmarking with? heidi klum? not enough?

for me, it is.

its interesting that last week when i found out i got an 89 on a test and burst into tears with that not being "good enough" that the same parents who used to kick my ass when I didn't do well on a test were like..."thats good enough."

oh my, you are right, it is good enough.

but why isn't it?

for most of society, and some people i know, i'm not "good enough."

and it frustrates me, because its all i have.

and i know that everything i'm not enough of, i could become more of.
i could be smarter, skinnier, prettier, richer, etc., etc., etc.

but when does it stop?  when do we stop and say enough is enough.

i am enough why don't you see it?

instead, we push ourselves to be more of this, better at that.
and the trade off is that somewhere along the line, we lose ourselves in the process.

we don't say no, and in our cacophony of "yes", we lose our identity, we lose our enthusiasm, we lose our energy and in the end...

everyone loses.

and as i write this i am not sure if i am more frustrated with the people who want me to be more, or at myself for letting it get to me.

but just once i want to hear:

you are smart enough.
you are pretty enough.
you are attractive enough.

you are enough.

i want people to realize things like being skinny and beautiful fade over time
but the things that last...a sense of humor, hard working, loyal, honest, kind...

those are enough.

i am by no means saying that everyone in my life falls into this.
i have met many people who love me for the "enough" that i am.

but it is easy, in this city full of beautiful, rich, uber smart, model-esque people

to feel not enough.

however, i have just decided to make it my resolve from this moment forward to only concern myself with people who think i'm enough.

i'm tired of begging.
im tired of convincing.

i am me.
and that is enough.

i think that is something that we all need to hear.

colie.

i never thought i would find a reason to quote en vogue, but...

do you really like living in nyc?

i get this question all the time.  i find it a little frustrating.  i have never asked you if you really like living in say, Bismark, North Dakota, or Charlotte, North Carolina.  plus, how am i supposed to answer that?  i already told you yes, but now you add the really as if i need to go on a contemplative trip to an ashram to figure out if i really meant it when i said it.

oooohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

yep. still the same.  yes.

then people follow it up with things like:
but there are so many people.
noted.
but its so noisy.
so are children.  people still like them.
but its so dirty.
so are children. people still like them.
oh, and swimming pools.  i used to work at one. those things are cesspools of nastiness.
but its so expensive.
really, i hadn't noticed.
so are diamonds.  people still buy them.
but don't you miss home?

and then i pause.
duh.
of course i miss home.  home is always the best place.
but it isn't the only place.

some people live their entire lives within the confines of one place, one town, one state.
i haven't.
it doesn't make me right and you wrong.
it doesn't make you right and me wrong.
it just makes us different.

but when you argue
my choice to be here with me,
you show me how closed minded you are.

being closed minded and lacking worldliness only causes greater misunderstanding of the people who are different than us.

i think that being here in new york i have become more tolerant, more understanding and more accepting. it has also opened my eyes to the massive amounts of people who are different than i am.

i have friends who would identify themselves everywhere along the spectrum that exists:
right, moderate, left.
queer, bi, straight.
rich, getting by, struggling.
happy, "okay", sad.
lonely, overstimulated.
introvert, extrovert.
jewish, christian, muslim, mormon.
teachers, investment bankers, tv producers, phd students.
uptown, midtown, downtown, brooklyn, bronx and jersey city(btw, where IS that??? jk jk)
i think the only friend i have yet to meet is a U of L fan.  (ahahaha! Kidding!)

all of these people add to the depth and breadth of my life.
i have learned more about myself, more about humanity in general because of them.
we are all enriched by those around us who are different.
they teach us, challenge us to grow.

so yes, new york is dirty.
but so is life.
and yes, new york is crowded,
but it is filled with people to learn from, to challenge you, to change you.
and yes, it is expensive.
but not as expensive as a closed mind.

as en vogue once said, "free your mind, and the rest will follow."

colie.