its hard to dance with devil on your back...

i have had a terrible 7 days.

but today is a new dawn.

in 7 days i had an amazing date, made a huge mistake, found an unexpected and much needed friend, lost something important, found something more important and finished something.

and today is a new dawn.

i love florence and the machine.  and i really like this song...pause reading and go watch/listen:

and out of that song, there are so many profound things, but I love this the most:

it's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off.
and i am done with my graceless heart so im gonna cut it out and then restart...
and its always darkest before the dawn.

i've been carrying a devil around for a while.  too many of them in fact.
secrets. heartbreaks. disappointments. insecurities. unhappiness.
and those damn devils all jumped on my back in the last 7 days.

and i let them break me...apart...into millions of pieces.

poor choices that cost me dearly.  deleted research papers.  a mouse in the house.  the "you're overweight"s, the loneliness.  the "not enoughs" that i haven't been able to shake.   

and last night, i sort of hit the darkest before the dawn.

but this time, there was something different.  in this sea of concrete and people moving fast.
i found a friend.
a real, good, honest friend.
who told me im better than the devils dancing around on my back.
who told me im worth more than the tears.
who told me to do the next right thing and go to sleep because it would be better in the morning.
and
she was right.

a banana and my bed were the next right thing. 

oh florence, you were right when you said regrets collect like old friends.

that is, until you find new ones. my new friend...the one who is always there with the phone call, the hug, the text telling me to walk, to do the next right thing, to eat a banana while she froze outside because she had no cell phone service in her warm apartment finally, finally broke through the stubbornness.  my jiminey cricket of sorts...that voice in my head became the voice in my heart that KNEW she was right.  and that's the difference.  i'm a smart girl and the things that i hear in my head i can talk myself into, out of, make a reason for, an excuse for.  but you see, something different happens when it hits your heart.  the heart cannot be reasoned with.  the heart is strong.  the heart WANTS to be free. 

and today my body is exhausted from the devils ive been carrying around. but I'M DONE.
and some of you may not agree with the me that awoke this morning in the dawn.  but im on a mission, and that number one mission is to love me.  and to BE me.  and to be okay with that.  and it is wholly possible that some of the people who read this may be a "casualty" of this shake off.  its not personal, at least not for you.  it's personal for me.   and im ready to suffer, but dammit im ready to hope. 

and i turned up florence and i danced around my apartment and watched the devils fly off my back.

and in this moment...i am freer than i have been in as long as i can remember.  its a new dawn.  and the devils are gone.  and i WILL not let them back.  i am tired of carrying that damn dead heavy horse around, i'm tired of being tired.  and as my friend said to me last night...you will NOT let this city beat you.  You are BETTER than that.  and you know what...shes right.  i need to get over myself.  and get a hold of myself.  and be BETTER than that, than this, than whatever devil comes after me today. 

oh, i have a lot of work to do.  i have a lot of trust that has to be repaired with some important people in my life.  i have a lot of things i need to say to a lot of people who may not like them.  but i wont take you as a devil on my back again.  my love affair with the devils on my back are OVER, "its a fine romance but now it's done." 

and now, im going to eat a banana.  im going to walk the 35 some odd blocks to where i need to go, and im going to do it without the weight of my disappointments, angers and regrets weighing me down.

now, go dance your own dance.  shake the devils off.  i have a LOT of work to do, and you might too...but im telling you what...you can FEEL those things fly off your back when you are ready to let them go.

you will catch me dancing down park ave.  finally being FREE to be ME.  shake it off.

colie.

if you dont have what you want, want what you have

what a roller coaster of a week. 

some of you know the whole story, but others of you know what you have followed through facebook messages.

but in a way of making my blogs appeal to all people in general i share this:

if you don't have what you want, want what you have.

last night, while things in one part of my life fell apart, another part came together in a wonderful and real way.

my personal life didn't go the way i wanted, but meanwhile my professional life was reaching the highest point of my young career.

and though i couldn't sleep last night, (clearly I'm an overthinker), and I am exhausted this morning, it is a mixed exhaustion.  my mind and eyes and heart are exhausted from the emotions of the personal, and my legs and sides and arms are exhausted from dancing the night away at my school's holiday party. 

while a text was coming in telling me that promises of more were no more, the people who surrounded me with a physical presence were smiles and laughter and promises of a different kind.

and as i sit here back at work again, surrounded by smiles of students who love me(for reasons i can't even begin to comprehend) and faculty that are talking about our dance party last night and my big win of private yoga lessons i am reminded of something we all need to be reminded of at some point:

if you don't have what you want, want what you have.

i have the most incredible job at the most amazing place surrounded by the most wonderful and supportive faculty, and i get to teach the greatest students every day.  faculty that boogie down at the holiday party.  faculty who you laugh with until you hurt.  faculty that embrace who you are and what you have to offer.  students that shout "we love you ms. b" when they see me in the hallway.  students that scream and ambush the elevator when it opens and they see me.  students who come find me to see if i will go to the roof with them.  i have never been so rewarded in a place i have worked. 

so while one part is empty, the other is overflowing.

i want, celebrate and love what i have. 

and i trust that if this much has aligned, the other part will eventually too.

i think, especially in this holiday season where the focus is on excess and wanting more, it is interesting that his has been my lesson to learn.

colie.

hearts get broken and slow is fine with me

to those of you who know me well, i dont need to tell you that im a feelings kind of girl.

i feel things acutely, and in wonderful ways. 

and i say what i feel when i feel it.

and it has actually served me quite well most of my life.

but now im learning something new.

slow is sometimes better.

broken hearts are slow to mend.

but im really good at mending and fixing.

and whats more i really love to do it.

i just have to be told sometimes.

to slow down

because the journey is better than the destination.

when i was in high school, my english teacher gave me this poem called Ithaka.

back then i thought it was beautiful, but i didn't understand it.  i asked her about it and she said that there would come a time in my life that i would need that poem and it's meaning would become clear to me in a way she couldn't tell me.  

so i folded it up and kept it in a little folder of things i keep.

and today, half way through my double period with my 10th grade girls i realized that i understood.

and part of me hopes you are reading and part of me hopes you arent.

because i dont want to say the wrong words.

but im speaking to all of you.

slow is better.  there are many things to see along the way.  and im actually ready and willing to take a slow journey.

i hope you will come along.  i think there are many wonderful things to see.

and for the rest of you, i hope your journeys are just as beautiful as the one in this poem.

and, the wonderful thing is, you don't have to know where you are going to take a journey.  you can just set out with person you want to set out with, and set out.

ITHAKA

As you set out for Ithaka

hope the voyage is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
angry Poseidon-don't be afraid of them:
you'll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
wild Poseidon-you won't encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Hope the voyage is a long one.
May there be many a summer morning when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you come into harbors seen for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind-
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to gather stores of knowledge from their scholars.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you are destined for.
But do not hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you are old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you would not have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.

And if you find her poor, Ithaka won't have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you will have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.

colie.

not enough

im tired of being "not enough".

its always something.

not smart enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not who knows what enough.

i don't get the a+, the skinny jeans, the "yes" for a date.

and dammit it is frustrating.

since when did just being who you are turn into not enough?

i'm happy with who i am, so i'm not looking for sympathy.  there is nothing for you to be sympathetic about.

im in a great place.  i love my life.

but i keep thinking, why is it not enough?

why is getting a's as a phd student at an ivy league school not enough?
why is having a good job, a nice apartment and nice things not enough?
why is being something other than a size 4 not enough?
why is not looking like...i don't even know...who are we benchmarking with? heidi klum? not enough?

for me, it is.

its interesting that last week when i found out i got an 89 on a test and burst into tears with that not being "good enough" that the same parents who used to kick my ass when I didn't do well on a test were like..."thats good enough."

oh my, you are right, it is good enough.

but why isn't it?

for most of society, and some people i know, i'm not "good enough."

and it frustrates me, because its all i have.

and i know that everything i'm not enough of, i could become more of.
i could be smarter, skinnier, prettier, richer, etc., etc., etc.

but when does it stop?  when do we stop and say enough is enough.

i am enough why don't you see it?

instead, we push ourselves to be more of this, better at that.
and the trade off is that somewhere along the line, we lose ourselves in the process.

we don't say no, and in our cacophony of "yes", we lose our identity, we lose our enthusiasm, we lose our energy and in the end...

everyone loses.

and as i write this i am not sure if i am more frustrated with the people who want me to be more, or at myself for letting it get to me.

but just once i want to hear:

you are smart enough.
you are pretty enough.
you are attractive enough.

you are enough.

i want people to realize things like being skinny and beautiful fade over time
but the things that last...a sense of humor, hard working, loyal, honest, kind...

those are enough.

i am by no means saying that everyone in my life falls into this.
i have met many people who love me for the "enough" that i am.

but it is easy, in this city full of beautiful, rich, uber smart, model-esque people

to feel not enough.

however, i have just decided to make it my resolve from this moment forward to only concern myself with people who think i'm enough.

i'm tired of begging.
im tired of convincing.

i am me.
and that is enough.

i think that is something that we all need to hear.

colie.

i never thought i would find a reason to quote en vogue, but...

do you really like living in nyc?

i get this question all the time.  i find it a little frustrating.  i have never asked you if you really like living in say, Bismark, North Dakota, or Charlotte, North Carolina.  plus, how am i supposed to answer that?  i already told you yes, but now you add the really as if i need to go on a contemplative trip to an ashram to figure out if i really meant it when i said it.

oooohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

yep. still the same.  yes.

then people follow it up with things like:
but there are so many people.
noted.
but its so noisy.
so are children.  people still like them.
but its so dirty.
so are children. people still like them.
oh, and swimming pools.  i used to work at one. those things are cesspools of nastiness.
but its so expensive.
really, i hadn't noticed.
so are diamonds.  people still buy them.
but don't you miss home?

and then i pause.
duh.
of course i miss home.  home is always the best place.
but it isn't the only place.

some people live their entire lives within the confines of one place, one town, one state.
i haven't.
it doesn't make me right and you wrong.
it doesn't make you right and me wrong.
it just makes us different.

but when you argue
my choice to be here with me,
you show me how closed minded you are.

being closed minded and lacking worldliness only causes greater misunderstanding of the people who are different than us.

i think that being here in new york i have become more tolerant, more understanding and more accepting. it has also opened my eyes to the massive amounts of people who are different than i am.

i have friends who would identify themselves everywhere along the spectrum that exists:
right, moderate, left.
queer, bi, straight.
rich, getting by, struggling.
happy, "okay", sad.
lonely, overstimulated.
introvert, extrovert.
jewish, christian, muslim, mormon.
teachers, investment bankers, tv producers, phd students.
uptown, midtown, downtown, brooklyn, bronx and jersey city(btw, where IS that??? jk jk)
i think the only friend i have yet to meet is a U of L fan.  (ahahaha! Kidding!)

all of these people add to the depth and breadth of my life.
i have learned more about myself, more about humanity in general because of them.
we are all enriched by those around us who are different.
they teach us, challenge us to grow.

so yes, new york is dirty.
but so is life.
and yes, new york is crowded,
but it is filled with people to learn from, to challenge you, to change you.
and yes, it is expensive.
but not as expensive as a closed mind.

as en vogue once said, "free your mind, and the rest will follow."

colie.

ivy league happiness

i have always loved an "a".

i used to love those "s+"'s that we used to get in grade school.

and then i loved the "a's".

i went through a bit of time where i loved the B.E.E.R. a little more than the "a".

thank god that didn't hurt me too much.

but i will tell you something i know now:

an ivy league A feels so much better than any A i got at UK, LCHS or MQHR.  (now thats a lot of letters).

it feels even better when the professor talks about how people are going to be spending their thanksgiving breaks redoing their 15 page papers.

it feels even better after you break into a cold sweat as you watch your holiday weekend flash before your eyes as you sweat over your Macbook Air as you retype the paper you read 15 psychology journals to find unique and meaningful studies for what you wanted to say.

it feels even better when you find out there was only 1 perfect score, and only 2 9/10's.  (this is the point when you start screaming like a little girl in a candy shop inside your head--after all, gloating isn't sexy).

it feels even better when that annoying kid in class (okay, he is probably 30) who asks questions you can't even understand (who am i kidding, i barely understand the words he says) got a re-do and asks YOU to give him feedback.

it feels even better to think about how after the first day of this class, you burst into tears and wanted to drop out.

i felt stupid.
i felt so far behind.
i felt that perhaps they meant to admit someone else, and i accidentally got let in.

but now.
now i feel like a million bucks.

i put the paper on my OWN refrigerator.
because i earned that on my own.
from my fancy, dancy ivy league phd program.
because i didn't quit though i wanted to.
though i had to read more journals than i have ever read in my life.
and though i thought i might puke as i turned to the back page of that paper.

and saw that i not only earned an A, i earned an A PLUS.  its my first one in my college career, because they don't have them at UK.

my first A+ from arguably one of the best schools in the country.

it feels good to feel smart.
(even though i know you have been telling me that for a long time)
it feels good to believe it.

i have SO much to be thankful for.

happy thanksgiving folks.

colie

Tolerance and a Short Message about Stars

today i was able to experience a very unique and wonderful event--TEDx Youth.  This was an independently operated TED event organized and led by some girls from another all-girls school on the Upper East Side.  i only was able to stay for a portion of this event but i have two things i want to share from it at this time.

the first thing i want to touch on is the message of tolerance.  i must say that in my "mean girl" demeanor i often am less than "tolerant".  it might be the tourist who stops to take the picture in the middle of the sidewalk, or the annoying person in the subway.  it might be the guy who has asked me for money in 10 different spots across the city saying he needs money to "get home".  i like to think i'm tolerant.  that im accepting of many types of people, but the reality is, i think it is easy to be tolerant of people who are similar to me, but when it comes to people who are different, that is where i tend to be intolerant.  

this incredibly amazing guy named marc elliot gave a TEDx talk today and sold the following message: 

live and let live.

well, who is he to say this?

marc has lived with turrets for 20 years.  he shared some stories from his life that were appalling, heartbreaking, humorous.  i wanted to feel sorry for him, but instead, he told us there was nothing to be "sorry" for.  in fact, it was quite the opposite.  marc's disease has given him the ability to live a life of tolerance i have never seen before.  

live and let live.

don't give a funny stare.  don't laugh under your breath.  don't talk behind their back.  

the truth is, i don't know the struggles people are facing in their life.  i don't know where they come from, what they have been through, what their life has been like.  and dear god am i sometimes in need of this sort of tolerance.  sometimes our struggles are private.  sometimes our struggles are public.  but every struggle we go through affects the way we deal with others.

live and let live. 

i need to work on this.  i want to work on this.

here is marc's video.  i highly recommend you watch some of his stuff.  it changed me, that is without a doubt.

one last word on marc.  he doesn't tic anymore.  one of the girls from my school asked him how it is he doesn't tic anymore.  and he said that he took some classes on guess what...JOY.  funny.  i JUST blogged about that.  joy has enabled him to stop his tics.  i think i need to spend even more time contemplating joy.    if it did such amazing things for marc, what could it possibly do for me?  

and then, there is a little business about stars.  there was this amazingly talented 19 year old named ajay johnson who shared an incredible story and some even more incredible poetry during her TEDx talk.  in one of her poems she shared, there was a line i had to borrow a pen to write down.  it was this: 

i learned a lot about stars that year

i learned not to invest in things you know will fall

even if they eventually fall where you want them to.

mr. universe sure had a message for me this morning.

this week has been a struggle emotionally for me.  i can't really get into it for many reasons but the first and foremost being the privacy of all involved.  but i found it interesting that i shared this experience with someone whom perhaps this part spoke to me about.  and i reach an awkward part of this blog because i know this person will read my blog.  thats when having this whole "online diary" thing becomes a bit "strange"...do you share without restriction or do you just lay it all out there.  i've never really held back before though, and I'm not going to now.

its funny how the stars crashed together...live and let live, but don't invest in things you know will fall.  

so i both speak to this person and to the other 75ish people who read this blog on a regular basis (by the way...THANK YOU...i can't tell you how awesome it is to know that so many of you read).

i haven't got a clue where you have been in your life.  i can't pretend to know your life story or the things that make you tic.  wouldn't it be cool if we each had 30 minutes to tell each other our "life stories".  the disappointments and joys that we have faced.  i think we would both be surprised what we would learn about the other.  and i wonder about the assumptions you might make about me.  and i wonder about the assumptions i make about you. 

but then, there are the stars...and what i learned from them today.  don't invest in things you know will fall.  live and let live.  

i heard what you said.

and i respect it because i can't pretend to know where you have been or what makes you tic.

but

i want to.

for some inexplicable, irrational reason

i do.

and though i completely expect for this not to happen.

i still do.

and this tiny voice inside me says that at the very least it is nice to know you are wanted, and there can never be a loss at giving that information even when it isn't returned, for whatever reason.

though i fear i have said too much...a life without risk is no life at all.

live and let live. let the stars fall where they may. but i am going to try to stop chasing that star, and watch where it falls.  

colie.

my oh my how time flies

first, my apologies.

i had to relocate my blog for various reasons, the first of which being that my old URL was not reflective of the direction the blog had taken, so i found it more fitting to just have a new start with a fresh "site", and just moved the materials over.

so, as i write this, it has been nearly FIVE months since i moved to nyc.  in that time i have done so much i can't even begin to cover it, but most notably i should tell you that I KILLED A MOUSE, and yet i STILL HAVE A MOUSE!  i think this is the universe's opportunity for me to overcome my completely irrational fear of mice.

dear universe,
it isn't working. please cease and desist.
love,
colie

i have also made a bucket of new friends and a handful of really good friends.  i have reconnected with old friends that i never thought i would cross paths with again and i have learned about the sting of rejection in a whole new way.

it has been an experience.  an adventure.  even though i am always exhausted at the end of the day, i am always ready for the next day.  there is something exhilarating about not knowing (literally) what is around the next block, on the next bus, riding on the subway next to you, etc., etc., etc.

for example, just monday, on my way back from class, i overheard the following conversation.  to protect the rights of the...well..."odd" i will not reveal their names.  we will call them man 1 and man 2.

man 1: yo man you wanna sit down
man 2: yea old man
man 1: listen young man dont call me old
man 2: sorry man
man 1: you know what you need to learn? don't ever let someone steal your joy
man 2: my joy?
man 1: yea your joy.  its all you have dont let anyone rob it from you.  kick them in the nuts and run away with your joy.
man 2: are you on drugs
man 1: why? where do you get your weed?
man 2: what are you talking about?
man 1: have a nice day.
man 2: have a nice life.

see?  who knew that such wise advise from the universe would find it's way to me on a bus.  maybe you are laughing.  i did too, but only on the inside because if you laugh at people on the outside in the city, they may punch you in the face.  so, after i laughed on the inside, went home, and looked for a mouse, i actually started to think about what the old man said.

it's funny, this thing called joy.  joy is defined as the "emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune, or by the prospect of possessing what one desires."  i think the first part of this definition is actually what i usually think of when i think of joy.  look at all this success i found...im so joyful.  look! i'm rich! what a joy.  im healthy and happy and wonderful...i'm so full of joy.  thats easy.  thats the joy ive been basking in since moving here.  sort of that...ohhh, all your dreams came true! yay!  but then, when that dies down, what is left behind is...what now?

that brings me to the second and more difficult part of the definition, "the prospect of possessing what one desires." huh. isn't that something.  (rush to the dictionary to look up prospect).  prospect is "the act of looking forward."  so now im supposed to be joyful when i look forward to what i want that i might one day have.  say WHAT? 

interestingly this hit me in a very real way last week.  you see, i wanted something REALLY bad.  and i went for it.  flung myself out to the wind with wild abandon.  and guess what?  the wind turned out to be gale force wind and met me head on and knocked me out.  it did not just set me back down on the ground.  it knocked the wind out of my sails.  i was actually crushed.  i was in a meeting when i got the "bad news" and it was all i could do to not burst into tears.  here is the hard thing: wanting something now and not having it now.  not knowing whether to wait for it.  not knowing whether to keep pursuing it.  not knowing whether you will ever have it.  it SUCKS the joy right out of me.

and now, miriam-webster, whoever she is, is telling me that in that very moment--when the universe just kicked me in the proverbial nuts, that is when i should have this thing called joy. 

and i realized this. as i sat in my bed with the tv on mute and my winter boots on and a broom and flashlight in hand and listened for the stupid little mickey mouse running around my freaking apartment.  i should be joyful, because ONE day (please PLEASE let it be soon) ill have an apartment without a mouse.

one day ill have my phd
one day that person will say yes.
one day ill have what i dont have now
the prospect brings the joy.

and it is interesting if one really stops to ponder this, if we all lived in this manner, there would be no choice but to have joy all the time.  because no matter if something was good (joy) or bad (remember, PROSEPCT), joy remains. 

it isn't about God or god or Buddha or anything else. joy is separate from religion and crosses all language, race, gender and other barriers. 

so i wiped my tears of rejection out of my eyes, and i put on my big girl pants.  i have joy of the things i have now, and the prospect of many wonderful things to come in my future. thats the important things you learn on the bus.

that, and of course, where to buy weed.
colie

My life is complete

today i reveled in one of my greatest delights in manhattan: TARGET. i know what some of you are thinking: "you live in NYC, a city that is filled with amazing places on every corner, and your favorite thing is TARGET?!?!?" i'm sure you want to strangle me now, but hang on while i explain myself.

yesterday i went to the food emporium because i needed just a few things, one of them being cereal. i walked to the cereal aisle and nearly had a heart attack when i saw that there was not one box of cereal less than $5.50. the kind i wanted in particular was $6.38. im sorry but unless that cereal has a GOLD RING as the "prize" there is no way on god's green earth im paying $6.38 for some sugar and grains.

today, therefore, i ventured up to target. granted it is a bit out of the way, but the exact same cereal was $2.75. the savings on that one item alone more than pays for the bus ride it takes to get there. not only that but i left with a bag full of groceries for $22 which, in my neighborhood would have cost at least 2 times that much.

plus, there is something comforting about the red and white bullseye that is target. there is still a dollar spot, in fact, some of the things are LESS THAN A DOLLAR!!! i felt like buying them just because i haven't found ANYTHING in manhattan that is less than a dollar. additionally, with the heart attack of my electric bill this month, ill be rationing that cereal for a VERY LONG TIME.

so, ill leave the boutique grocery stores to the people who can live between park and 5th, and you can find me in target. its either cereal from target or air conditioning...

akygirlgonenyc.

Life, Regurgitated

wow. is it true that i have been a nyc resident for almost a month now? last night i had dinner with two friends, one of them is a former Lexingtonian who moved here a year ago. we chatted about how quickly you come to be a new yorker. i find myself OFTEN irritated with these tourists...the ones who stop in the middle of the sidewalk to snap some random picture of something. i snarl now and say stuff like, "get out of my way", "why dont you pull over to take that picture", "what on earth would possess you to stop in the MIDDLE OF THE SIDEWALK WITH YOUR GROUP OF 40 PEOPLE TO TAKE A PICTURE!! i also find myself avoiding places like times square, midtown and anywhere there may be a lot of tourists. my friend, k.h. laughed and commented that she often finds herself getting ticked at tourists as she hoofs it home as fast as possible so that she can...sit on her couch! oh, i know this feeling. GET OUT OF MY WAY I HAVE SOMEWHERE TO Be....errr, IM A NEW YORKER, GET OUT OF MY WAY! ahh, i love this city. i finally have not only permission to be a mean girl, but an inherent RIGHT to be one. i may never leave here.

so, today im going to deviate from my original blog idea: the craziest shit i have seen in NYC, simply because, though i have seen some crazy shit, i know there is more right around the corner, and by god, i want to craft that blog perfectly.

so today, a more serious post about the way things come back around. i think ill name this blog: Life, Regurgitated.

ive had an interesting opportunity to reconnect with someone i haven't seen in about 10 years. the last time i saw her, im pretty sure, was somewhere in my junior year of college. its funny though, there is no real explanation for why we haven't seen each other in 10 years. i thought she was great, and funny, and we were, for all practical intents and purposes, "friends". we each just, sort of went our own way. it happens all the time. we are friends with someone, then our lives go different ways, we facebook friend each other, and then we just live their life vicariously through them by stalking their photo page. i know im not the only one who does this, as i have personally talked to many people who take this approach to "keeping in touch."

but thats not even what i want to talk about either. i actually have no idea where this blog is going. not unusual for me. i seem to be more ADD than ever before. i think nyc does that to you too. i guess the end point, the essential learning i want you to take away from this blog is that you NEVER know when people will come back into your life. a relationship that seemed to be inconsequential and insignificant may come back around in a surprising way. sometimes you are able to offer a friendship you werent even capable of the first time you collided into each other. sometimes you will be a part of something karmic that seemingly has nothing to do with you, but in fact weaves you into its fibers. it is both incredibly enlightening and rather odd to find that the way you categorized or defined someone in college wasn't even close to being right. people are strange and irrational creatures and have this way of sneaking up and surprising you. i'm so happy for my friend and the new place she has found herself in. im also happy for me for finding a way to redefine a person and a relationship i had previously judged to be something completely different.

point being, the doors we close are not always closed for good. the people behind them might come knocking, and now i know it is absolutely worth the effort to answer. when life regurgitates itself on you, it is at least worth taking a closer look at why you are revisiting that person, place, or thing...

so maybe next week, ill work on paying more attention to the people taking the pictures. maybe ill make more eye contact, be less abrasive, and look at who im talking to. it could be a elementary school classmate, a high school teammate, a sorority sister or a Kentucky Wildcat FANATIC. (oh, i'm really hoping for one of those).

actually, thats such a lie. i know ill just curse the stupid tourists under my breath, while secretly loving that the place they are trying so hard to capture memories of on a camera so they will never forget---is my HOME.

akygirlgonenyc.

i sit here today, a resident of nyc for nearly an entire month. AND!!!! i'm having my first non-family visitor! life is really interesting sometimes and people who seem to be very insignificant in our lives come back around in these much unexpected and really amazing ways. one of my sorority sisters, who was probably one of my favorite people in the sorority (which is probably saying something for me) has come back around in my life in a strange and cosmic sort of way.

i have arrived...

it's finally happened.

i have arrived.

i write you now not as a girl in kentucky wanting to move to nyc.
not as a girl in kentucky waiting to move to nyc.
not as a girl in kentucky moving to nyc.
but as a girl from kentucky who now lives in nyc.

after about 15 hours of driving and pulling a 5' x 8' uhaul trailer and sitting with my doggie in a very STUFFED car, hours of unloading and days of unpacking, i sit here on my new couch (well, new to me, the place came furnished) listing to my new surround sound system (again, new to me thanks to my landlord) and writing my first blog to you as a new yorker.

i am still not sure the reality has set in. perhaps tomorrow when i go off to work my first day at my new job. i haven't really met anybody cool or semi-famous (that was included for my cousin) yet, but i have been busy as a bee getting settled in. my apartment is adorably cute (though my kitchen is red, and i really hate red, because it clashes with my pink kitchenaid accessories) and i love it. i think that ikea should actually come use my house as one of their floor samples of how to use 700 square feet effectively. i think i have done a really good job. (see pictures below).

roxie is adjusting, though i think she is traumatized. she hates the balcony and im not sure if it is because she is scared of heights or the sound of the air conditioning out there, but i can't get her to go out there. she also is terrified of the dogs at the dog park. i took her there yesterday and she hid behind me and shook like a polaroid picture if another dog came near. that being said, she has adjusted to going to the bathroom on concrete quite well, including the first time when she pooped right in the middle of 1st avenue. well done, roxie, well done. way to let nyc know we have arrived.

i too have adjusted to going to the bathroom on concrete quite well. wait, did you say im not supposed to do that??!?! shoot! why didnt you tell me! just kidding, i use the grass. otherwise, i think im going to love it here. ive already eaten some delicious new york pizza, found a reasonably price discount store, and done my first set of laundry in the basement, and tonight, i will take in 4th of july in fashion when i walk roxie down the street to catch the macy's fireworks. i hope they are as spectacular as i imagine them to be. what an adventure that lies in front of me.

my cousin (who i mentioned above) commented to me last week that it is fitting that i have moved here over the 4th of July as it symbolizes freedom. i think it is so fitting that the people who signed that declaration of independence all those years ago did it with people like me in mind. giving someone a chance to pursue and then live the american dream...whatever it is. my american dream may not be yours, but what i have learned from many of you through this experience is that everyone out there has a dream. some of you may have followed it already...some may be following theirs right now...and some of you may feel you may never reach your dream. but i stand as proof that your dream CAN come true. it may not happen when you want it to, but it will happen if you work hard and dont give up. i sit here, a resident of 90th street in manhattan as a testimony to that very statement.

Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to
see the whole staircase, just take the first step." whatever dreams are in front of you, take the first step, the rest, i promise you will fall into order, as it has for me. today i took the first step of the journey of living in new york. granted, it took me to Duane Reade, but, i look forward to the rest of the steps that will come, though i have no idea where they will take me. that's half the fun, folks.

happy stepping. step bravely.

akygirlGONEnyc.


awesome pink chair in living room and view into kitchen


couch and window (sorry its a bit dark, the couch is dark brown leather)

view of the living room into the kitchen. bedroom and bathroom are on the right after the black cabinet.

tv/entertainment stand and door to the outside balcony.

bedroom.

closer view of the bed/shelves.

bathroom.

hallway with awesome flocked tree growing :)

kitchen. note the clashing pink appliances with maroon wall. ick. perhaps ill paint one day.

awesome recycled magazine mirror and vase below. going into kitchen.

super cool pink chair with green pillow and green area rug i found at Ikea!

The last night of the last day of the last week of the last month in Kentucky

its really here.

my last night in Kentucky before my move to NYC. Tomorrow night I'll actually be homeless as I crash in Bethlehem, PA for the night before heading the rest of the way to NYC on Friday morning. i can't believe it has finally arrived.

this week has been a fun/busy week. it started with lunch with an old college professor and her daughters, who i babysit from time to time. it was actually fitting that i had a chance to sit down with them before i left. dr. hetzel is the reason that i became a teacher to begin with in the first place. she, ever so lovingly stated to me at the end of nearly every class period that perhaps i should be a teacher, which i shrugged off, only to find myself becoming...well...a teacher. there are no mistakes or coincidences within our lives. i have learned, far too many times, that we are where we are for a VERY specific reasons, and sometimes God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, or prayers answered somehow other than the way we thought they would be answered. then it was off to dinner dinner with logan and deata...who i have known pretty much my entire life. it was sad to say goodbye to them, but i know for CERTAIN, they will be visiting soon. it was then followed by final trivia (part deux) which did not involve any plastic boots or any "cheaters" but instead found us earning only 18/40 points. on a positive note, thanks to my "coaxing" another person in our party did go home with a door prize. finally, last night, it was dinner with a few friends and my parents at joe b.'s. i will miss the breadsticks most of all :) then, the packing of the trailer...a few tears over things i would have to leave behind, and now, here i sit. everything packed up into a trailer and a car except the clothes i will wear for the next few days and the one dog who will be making the trip to me.

and finally.

i'm actually scared.

i have dreamt of this moment for most of my adult life. i sent out resume after resume. interviewed for job after job and finally...FINALLY...it's here. the next blog i send will be from a kentucky girl in nyc. and im scared it wont be everything i dreamed. or maybe it will be more. or maybe ill have no friends. or maybe ill meet a million awesome friends. or maybe roxie will hate not having a backyard to run in. or maybe ill hate not having a target to go to. or maybe they won't televise the casey anthony trial.

all completely irrational worries i have. and i take a deep breath. and i know, i KNOW, things will work out. god has not only laid this path in front of me, but put 15 spotlights on it, and glitter on the ground and said...hey...if it wasn't obvious, this is the path i want you to take. every last thing has fallen into place, though it seemed it might not, it did. and i know it was the design and the plan all along. and i know that god wouldn't put it out there for me if he didn't intend on seeing me through. but that irrational part of me sinks into my gut and i want to puke. but i wont. because i know loads of people would give their left foot for the opportunities i have been given.

so, i guess...if you are the praying kind...keep me in your prayers. and if you are the karmaic universe kind, ask the universe to send positive karmaic vibes my way. and if you aren't either of these...just think happy thoughts for me.

for those of you who have been part of this last chapter of my life, i thank you from the depths of my soul and the bottom of my heart. i wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for each one of you. i love you dearly and i will take a piece of each of you forward with me to the big apple, and you'll be the first ones i call when i get home at thanksgiving.

but now it is time. this chapter has gone on too long, and i think it is time to turn the page. be watching for a new chapter...coming soon.

the end.

akygirlgonenyc.

For Good...

you never know what you've got until its gone.

how many times i have taken for granted the many blessings in my life. tonight as i looked around the table at the people who surrounded me, it was like the series finale of my favorite tv show. you are so deeply connected to the people at the table and as the sad music plays, you wonder how your life will be the same without them.

and before your eyes flashes a scene from your past with each of them...the trip to KUNA where you couldn't get over your irritable djibouti and couldn't stop laughing; the time you first met when student teaching years ago, never knowing that you would later be colleagues and more importantly friends; the many times you gossiped over queso and made fun of people who had apples on the back of their cars; the time at Starbucks where you felt like FINALLY there was someone who understood you; the new memory of when they stole a plastic boot for you which you had to shove into your jean skirt in order to sneak out; the school picture days where you spent all day blocking the sun for the perfect photo op and then did the entire yearbook by ourselves.

and you realize that these people are rooted into your heart in ways you never truly stopped to think about before. and you know that things will never be "just" like this again. how will i ever replace these people in my life? will i find people in new york that will be as cool...as awesome...as SPECIAL as these wonderful people around this table? and for just a moment, time holds its breath and you are able to fill your lungs with the smells, your eyes with the sights, your ears with the sounds of these people who have made your life the enjoyable journey it has been.

and just as you take it in, times unfreezes and the music reaches it's crescendo...you hug and say your goodbyes. you have your one last moment. not for ever...but for right now. and you watch them walk away. taking your secrets, your laughter, your tears, your happiness of the last 5 years. and you know your life will never, EVER be the same because of these people. you realize that who you were before you met them is not at all the person you are now as you have taken all the best of them, and they have brought out all the best of you and you are a new person.

i am a lucky lucky girl. and that makes me a very, very sad girl tonight. goodbyes are my least favorite thing. especially when they are to people you wish you could roll up and put in your uhaul trailer and take with you.

thank you...each of you...for loving me, laughing with me and letting me be me. i am who i am today because i knew you...you have changed me...for the better, and i will miss you beyond words.

and the music fades, and the screen goes to black.

and thus begins the search for a new show...with new stories to follow...but this one...you'll never forget it...

akygirlgonenyc.

For Good from Wicked:

ill need 10 letters of recommendations and $10,000

i spent the last 5 days apartment hunting.

this shouldn't cause much distress, however, if you are apartment hunting in nyc, that phrase should be enough to cause nightmares and night sweats.

in five days i saw about 15 apartments and three, thats right THREE seemed somewhat suitable for living in. after traipsing uptown, downtown and midtown.

i don't have time or battery (left in my BRAND SPANKING NEW MACBOOK PRO) to tell you all of the horror stories, plus i have to save something for later, but i will share one apartment for your laughing pleasure:

i was taken to a nice apartment near Sutton area. it was in an excellent doorman building, and the lobby was promising. when the listing broker came down, she informed us that if i wanted the apartment unfurnished, the rent would be $2,650, but furnished, it was $2,375. i dont even understand that, and have no idea where to even start, so lets just move on. perhaps it is nice furniture and a really nice apartment. the current tenants were still in the apartment, and were actually there when i visited. first, the broker knocked on the door and no one answered. so, she let herself in, to find that one of the residents was dressed in an outfit that made her appear to be completely nude. i closed my eyes quickly and then realized it was some sort of flesh colored romper that she was wearing. we stepped into the apartment and i was overcome with two thoughts:

holy crap thats a lot of stuff.

holy crap thats a lot of mirrors.

you see, these people were like borderline hoarders. there was so much stuff...everywhere...that you couldn't even see the furniture that was being left. was it a couch and a chair? two couches? a couch and two chairs? i am so confused. all i can see is crap.

and woah, wait one second. no one told me we were going to coney island. is this the fun house? i am not even exaggerating a tiny bit when i tell you that EVERY SINGLE piece of wall real estate was covered with mirrors. truly. mirrors everywhere. i kept thinking that someone was following to closely, only to find that it was just my reflection. wait, which one of you is my real mom. not only would this apartment leave me feeling completely self conscious, i started to understand why those people had so much crap. perhaps if they just piled enough stuff on the floors, furniture, etc, they could just block the mirrors. i think it is enough to drive someone crazy. like, you could go all "black swan" if you spent too much time in there. i could barely find the exit, since the door was covered in mirrors. i loved, most of all, that the broker pointed out, "a full length mirror on the door." ya think? get me out of this freak house.

ultimately, i put in two apps for potential apartments. one of them has gone through, but i am mind-boggled by the amount of information and MONEY they need for you to have a place to live. first, there is the application. 15 pages here, 5 pages here, pretty soon, i have created a thesis statement of applications. then, there are the letters of recommendation. let me start by telling you that i got accepted into the Columbia PhD program with fewer letters of recommendation. personal, professional, clergy, doctor, first grade teacher (okay, that was an exaggeration, but it is close to the idea.) next a statement of assets and liabilities. are you kidding? i am a teacher. im lucky to not be homeless. savings? right. im single, i have a 15 year mortgage and gas is $4.00 a gallon. i think not. oh, you say you need about $10,000 in order to make this happen? first and last months rent...okay. a processing fee of $375? for WHAT? courier fee of $35? i'll take it myself. credit checks, security deposit, move in fees, move out fees, pet security and broker fees? sorry if i can't breath, but i just watched my bank account be raped, perhaps murdered and left bloody and empty.

i was listing to my ipad on the flight home and wicked came on, and i started to chuckle at this line:

thats why i couldn't be happier, no, i couldnt be happier, oh it is i admit the tiniest bit unlike i anticipated but i couldn't be happier simply couldn't be happier well, not simply, cause getting your dreams its strange but it seems a little well, complicated. theres a kind of a sort of cost theres a couple of things get lost, there are bridges you cross you didn't know you crossed until you crossed. and if that joy, that thrill doesn't thrill like you think it will, still with this perfect finale the cheers and the ballyhoo who wouldn't be happier so i couldnt be happier because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true. well isn't it? happy is what happens when your dreams come true. thank goodness.

here's the deal. i have(well, will soon have) a great place to live close to work and a semi-easy commute to Columbia. but my goodness, it wasn't nearly what i thought it would be, finding an apartment. i wont be living like the gossip girls, or charlotte from sex in the city, but, i am indeed, "movin' on up...to the east side...to a deluxe apartment in the skyyyy." (okay the 4th floor, but it has a porch, so its sort of like being in the sky, right?

i hope you will all, somehow, forgive me for my contribution to global warming. thank GOODNESS i got a two year lease. now if you will pardon me, i have to go find something to sell to pay all those fees.

akygirlgonenyc.

First of the Lasts and the First of the Firsts

this week will likely be like taking a ride on the Beast at Kings Island. there is the exhilaration and nervousness that comes with standing in line, then the pure adrenaline rush of going down that first hill. then, somewhere about 2/3 of the way through, when your brain begins to rattle against your skull, you wish you could get off. lastly, when the ride is over, you aren't sure whether to puke, cheer, cry or jump off and ride again.

since ive been a bad blogger and have left you disconnected from my life for many maddening months, perhaps i should catch you up to speed. well, last i talked to you, i was waiting to find out about where i would be going to get my phd next year. what seemed like waiting for eternity finally provided me with some choices. in the interest of time, (and im not fooling myself, i know you dont want every last detail of the last few months of my life), i will provide the short version of the story:

i'm moving to new york city.

in like three weeks.

(let me pause to hyperventilate, cry, and jump for joy).

okay im back.

it has been my dream as long as i can recall to end up in new york city. after multiple tries, it felt like perhaps my dream would always remain just that: a dream. i had interviewed for several jobs. none had ever worked out. i thought, perhaps, i was pushing something that wasn't meant to be. in fact, to be honest, when i applied to columbia, i didn't think there was a bats chance in hell (wait, what does that even mean? why do bats not have a good chance of surviving hell? can someone out there answer this???) of getting in. let's face it: its one of the top educational institutions in the country, and by all means, im a sort of average student. my grades were good, my gre score was better than average but not like, perfect. the only thing i really have going for me, is i can WRITE. and, other than scores on the paper, the only other thing they see of you is your written statement. i knew i could do that well.

so, when i opened up the email that told me a decision had been made on my application, i nearly cringed thinking that there would be yet another missed opportunity for new york, and honestly, i wasn't sure i had it in me again to be rejected again. to come short of my dream again. i hesitated to click the link, but figured i might as well suck it up. i had been accepted to other schools, so it was going to be fine, but i REALLY wanted columbia. when i clicked the link and saw the acceptance letter, i read it FOUR times to be sure i had read it correctly. had i actually been accepted in columbia? ivy league school in new york city? could it be?

my excitement was short lived when i went to the financial section and started to figure out how much i was going to have to go into debt for a columbia degree. nearly $70,000 a year. times FIVE YEARS. was it worth it? would i ever pay it off? and i began to pray to the financial aid gods for mercy. and i devised a plan.

to shorten this story up, all the stars, planets, prayers, satellites or WHATEVER aligned and i found myself not only accepted to columbia but also employed, full-time, at an excellent private school on the upper east side. and just like that, dreams of new york were no longer dreams, they were, in fact, reality.

so, this week, i begin the end, and i begin the beginning of the next chapter of my book. i have sold my car, and on wednesday, she will belong to someone else. she has been a good car to me and has gone with me to florida, back to kentucky, on a road trip to pennsylvania and back home again. she has taken me from a "kid" fresh out of college, to a woman seeing her dreams unfold before her. now she will go to a new home, and while i shouldn't be attached to a piece of plastic, ill be sad to let it go. its the first thing ill have to let go of in order to grab on to other things.

also this week, ill say goodbye to my job. this has been the greatest job ive had to date with some of the greatest people i know. i have had many, many laughs. i have bitched many MANY times. i have sometimes wished this day would come sooner. but the truth is, it was there when i needed it. the people became my family. and i will miss them terribly. it will be strange to start again without these people. they have come to be such a part of me. but i know i must move on. it is time. there is a wonderful new replacement for me. i have so much to look forward to. i will always be thankful for these years of my life and the person, educator and friend they allowed me to become.

and lastly, it will be the first of the firsts. by the end of this week, ill have my first new york apartment. i have looked at countless listings. i have studied millions of tiny pictures. i have called/texted/emailed my broker so much he probably can't WAIT for me to find a place so i can leave him alone. but its scary. and exhilarating. all at once. as i look around my house, i think to myself, "you're gonna miss this." and i will.

it has been a wild and wonderful five years back in lexington, but it is time. turns out, dreams can be scary when they come true, but, there is no turning back for me now. reality is knocking at my doorstep, and telling me its time to go.

its my turn to get on the beast. i have a front row seat. my safety bar is latched securely in place and all my body parts are inside the vehicle.

i invite you to come along on this ride with me. of firsts, of lasts. i used to be a former blonde gone brunette, but i think, perhaps that chapter has ended. from now on, you'll be following the comedic-drama of:

kygirlgonenyc.

All work and no play

makes this blogger a very cranky girl.

i have been slammed with work and personal commitments in the past several weeks, and there appears to be no real end in sight. all of this means there is no time for me to conjure up an intelligible blog, which is why this page has been a bit quiet over the last little while.

since i can't come up with anything exciting to write, instead, i am going to share a delicious (and easy!) recipe for a dessert to share with you. It is simply delectable, and I suggest it for anyone who needs to take a dessert! i promise to write soon...

Icebox Cake
Adapted from The Magnolia Bakery Cookbook

3 cups heavy cream
3 tablespoons sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
2 (9-ounce) packages chocolate wafer cookies [or, make your own!]
Unsweetened cocoa (or chocolate shavings)

In a large bowl, beat cream, sugar and vanilla with an electric mixer on high speed until soft peaks form.

On a flat serving plate, arrange 7 cookies side by side in a circle, keeping 1 cookie in the center.

Spread with 1/2 cup whipped cream, making a 7-inch circle. Repeat with remaining cookies and cream, making 11 layers of cookies and ending with a layer of cream (there will be a few cookies left over). Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate overnight.

To serve, dust top lightly with cocoa powder or chocolate shavings.

enjoy! eat some for me...you can find me with my head in the icebox trying to get rid of this perpetual headache I have.

aformerblonde.

I want me some pajama jeans!

so, typically my blogs are pretty serious, but here is the deal: i have had a raging headache for 4.5 weeks and I couldn't make myself conjure up a serious thought if i tried, so i am taking a friend's advice and talking about some awesome AS SEEN ON TV items.

1. Pajama Jeans

does anyone else find these strangely attractive. first off, i really love jeans. but the idea of pajama jeans...these jeans in comfy sweat pant form draw me in. i have actually gone to the Pajama Jeans website and watched the infomercial a couple of times. though i decidedly want a pair of these, i do have the following questions/concerns:

a. why is it that "pajama jeans" seem to fit unnaturally tight for pj pants?

b. why does everyone tuck their shirt into the pajama jeans...? is there an extra itchy tag there?

c. since when did we start putting a "mock fly" on "expensive designer jeans"? ive seen some true religion jeans, and never in my life have i seen a "mock fly" on a pair. and if that isnt't enough, there is front and back contrast stitching and a smooth butt lifting design!!

d. why is that size 4 model having to lay down to get in her jeans? i mean, seriously, buy a size 6. it is going to be okay. if i can get my body in some jeans while standing upright, so can you.

e. why do we only stare at the ladies butts? i think there is something sketchy about the front that they dont want us to see. everything is the woman kneeling to get her baby, the woman pushing the shopping cart. butts butts butts. the front of these things must be very shady.

f. why is one pair $39.95 plus $8.00 shipping. Listen...on ebay, nearly everything is free shipping. there is no way in hell that those jeans weigh $8.00 worth of shipping. and $40? for pj pants? you can't be serious. that is more expensive than nearly all the jeans i own. if a pair of pajama jeans cost me $50 when all is said and done, they better be hand sewn out of silk and be bejeweled with swarovski crystals.

g. oh, wait, i just remembered, that for the highly economical price of $50, they also throw in a FREE GRAY CREWNECK TEE! well hot damn. that makes it all better. turns out those two items actually retail for $100!!! where the hell are these people shopping that pj pants and a gray shirt cost $100 bucks. saks? bloomingdales? oh, wait, you said that shirt was made in bangladesh by a 4 year old? oooh...no wonder it is so expensive! its EXOTIC!!!

h. does anyone really need 60 days to figure out whether their pajama jeans are gonna work out for them? alas, no need to worry, if they don't, you get to keep your SUPER AWESOME GRAY TEE FOR FREE! JUST FOR TRYING! wow, how awesome is that?

im going to ponder these questions, and wait for your feedback. in the meantime, check out the infomercial. then you decided. pajama jeans or pajama junk?

2. The Shake Weight

i first saw this infomercial while eating at a delicious lexington dive. i nearly spit my food out. first the shake weight at best is...lets just say, phallic. second, i have a really good feeling that while i was shaking said shake weight, i would probably hit myself in the face, thereby breaking my jaw, needing to have my mouth wired shut and would lose so much weight i wouldn't need the shake weight anyhow. that or i would poke my eye out and not be able to see what my arms look like. and, why do they need to tell me it doesn't need batteries. thats just creepy. and i can guarantee its not "just that simple" otherwise, people would be walking down the street with shake weights. here are some questions i have:

a. what is this "prestigious california university" whose name you will not mention? thats sort of shady. thats like me saying: "my super famous friend said..." and not telling you who. is it california northwestern southeastern polytechnical community college online? they have quite the reputation so i hear...

b. does the shake weight always make that terrible grinding/rubbing against metal sound? cause if i have to listen to that for 6 minutes, ill purposely hit myself with it.

c. if the girl can "feel the definition already" after using the shake weight for 30 seconds...why in the world would i buy one? why not just give it a test or two, and then ill have perfect arms. i had no idea you could shake a weight for 30 seconds and immediately feel definition. wow. thats freaking amazing.

d. why do the people who are "professional" users have veins sticking out of their arms? also, i can't believe that the shake weight also gives you a six pack and perfect legs. wow. i think they are doping. thats just me. doping for the shake weight commercial. new all time career low.

e. "dynamic inertia"...is that what they are calling it these days?

lets see what ellen thinks:

if anyone has one, tell me what you think, and then give it to me so i can make fun of it.

the moral of the lesson today: as seen on tv is the greatest rip off and the greatest form of entertainment out there today.

off to watch more infomercials.

aformerblonde.

Still I think it's the best bet...

forgiveness my friends, is a tricky thing.

the emotions that precede forgiveness are the antithesis of the very word itself:

anger

rage

frustration

disappointment

jealousy

fear

judgement

hate

those things that we wish we could somehow remove from our vocabulary so that we wouldn't be in the position to ever feel them in the first place.

and then, i guess, too, forgiveness depends on which side of the word you are on.

i had this family member, one that i loved very much, and for one reason or another, we stopped talking for TEN years. I mean...think of ten years past...all the things that change, all the missed moments, memories, opportunities. Letting go of my pride and asking for forgiveness was hard. Hurt and disappointment are heavy weights that are difficult to untie. but finally, i truly believe by divine intervention, the opportunity arose for forgiveness, for understanding, and for reconciliation. it has turned out to be one of the most treasured relationships i have in my life now, and i can't even believe that so much time past with us sitting in stalemate. but, the great news is, through forgiveness, the fracture is fixed. not just bandaged...not just a temporary fix, but a true healing. if forgiveness is to really work, it cant come with conditions. it has to be whole and complete and erasing all of the past hurts, disappointments and anger. and no matter what the situation, the forgiveness has to be extended in both directions, because no matter who started it, everyone was hurt, everyone was changed.

when you are asking for forgiveness, it is very humbling. to know that i have hurt someone, and caused them to be in a position of anger, disappointment or frustration, is about as humbling as it gets. long gone are the days of preschool where the memory of hurt is gone just about as quickly as the sharp tip on the crayola crayon. with the added joys of adulthood come the added burdens of past hurts and holding grudges. and, of course, the chance still exists that when you ask for forgiveness, your request may not be honored, and you are left in that ultra awkward place of not knowing whether to walk away, fight for the relationship, or regret it altogether. i like to believe that people are always worth fighting for. this can lead to much heartache and disappointment, as i have found that people are not rational beings, and our emotions often get the best of us much more than we like. however, i think i have come to a new conclusion that the only person you can truly control is yourself. you can't make anyone forgive you. you can't make things go back to the way they were. but what you can do, what is within your power is to ask for forgiveness...or to give forgiveness. the other person...they will either take it or not, but at least you wont have to wonder....what if...?

however, something else i have learned lately is that life is tragically short. we NEVER ever know when our last hello, goodbye, laugh, smile or hug will be. we have no guarantees of next times, tomorrows, or later ons with which to heal the hurts of the past. Gone are the days where i'm willing to let ten years slide by over a bad day, something i shouldn't have said or a misinterpretation. i have to start living a life in which every moment is treated as the last. i know it sounds cliche...because, well, "live like you are dying" has been sung, written and said into the ground...but truly...maybe that is because we all need that lesson. if you wait until tomorrow to say what you have been meaning to say, you may never get the chance. if you wait until next week to forgive or ask for forgiveness you may find yourself in the place that you never experience peace in that relationship. i can't sit around any longer and pretend that ill do it someday.

someday has to be today.

pride is strong but it is temporary.

the peace of forgiveness is strong and long lasting.

i need to forgive some people.

i need to ask some people to forgive me.

i think patty griffin said it best...better than i ever could:

it's hard to give,

but still i think its the best bet

everybody needs a little forgiveness.

aformerblonde.

Walking the line between dreams and reality

so...which of you reading have seen the movie Inception? how about Black Swan? lets go back a bit...how about The Lake House?

if you haven't seen any of these movies, you should immediately stop reading my blog and take yourself to either the nearest Redbox or the nearest movie theater and get to watching(cause you are missing out)

if you have seen at least one of these...read on, but please make sure you go see the others.

lately i have been pondering the thought of where reality ends and dreaming begins. if i sit here and write in reality, what defines this? is it because i can feel my fingers on the keyboard, or because i can feel my body in this chair as i type? couldn't i be doing those things...couldn't i perceive those same feelings in a dream? what are the advantages of existing in one instead of the other?

trouble is...i am not sure anymore that the two are different. i think i have come to decide that a dream is simply an extension of my life. a way for me to live in a way that i cannot fully exist "during the day" or in what you might call, reality. now sure, i dont actually know brad pitt, so his appearance in my dream is a bit concerning (just kidding, i never dream about brad pitt) but maybe it isn't the brad pitt of our reality. what are those people doing there? what am i doing there? are they laying in the bed or on their couch dreaming that same dream? are they living in the same extension of life? i mean...think about it. those people you "dream" of must exist in some place on this earth. isn't it possible that they are actively "dreaming" the same dream you are? whether you know who they are, or they know who you are...do we exist there together? and if so...isn't there, then, some significance to that place, to that moment, that we are meant to carry with us back to "reality". Are the feelings we feel there, experience there, any less real than if i were to pinch my arm right now. Isn't that pain the same no matter where you feel it?

I'm not saying that we should go around living in our dreams...perhaps what im saying is that...we already do. how do you explain that "deja-vu" moment? you know, where you are like...holy crap, i have SO been here before. for those that don't believe in multiple lifetimes, there would be no other explanation except that we have in fact lived that very moment before on some level of consciousness. does it play out the same? i can't remember. its fuzzy. but i know i was here before.

when we are young and we think of dreams, we think of unicorns and fairy dust and white fluffy clouds. as adults we know that dreams are not always these ethereal visions of heaven and teddy bears, but instead they deal with real people, situations, scary things, and yes, still, sometimes unicorns. perhaps those are moments when we are able to be outside of ourselves to learn from another perspective. to see things from another angle. perhaps it is our chance to see how something plays out so that when we see it again in "reality" we know how to proceed forward.

i dont have a lot of answers, instead, just many questions. but what i do know is this. i dont know where reality stops and dreaming begins...and i think i sort of prefer it that way...

dream on, friends.

aformerblonde

Sometimes you don't get what you deserve

i've come to the sudden realization that sometimes you just don't get what you deserve. for example, i have watched my cousins, friends and former classmates get married and have children. meanwhile, i am alone. i want to find that companionship. i want someone to share my day and my life with, yet, it just doesn't seem to be happening. is it something inherently wrong about me? is it something i have done? do i put out this, "fuck you" aura about me?

Sometimes you don't get what you deserve.

i want to write a book. id like someone to stumble across this blog and realize that in fact, i am, a literary genius and pay me absurd amounts of money to write a book. yet, i know just about every single person who reads my blog (who are you anonymous...you intrigue me...) and the chances are, the only way im going to get a book published is if i pay to bind the thing myself.

Sometimes you don't get what you deserve.

sometimes you are going along in your life with your perfect family and out of no where, life blindsides you with a divorce, a move away from your kids, and out of a job. and your life seemingly falls apart quicker than you can even watch where the pieces fly away to. and every attempt to put things back together seems to unravel before your eyes.

Sometimes you don't get what you deserve.

some of you long for a child of your own, something you have always dreamed of, and nothing seems to work...while for others, it seems to happen with ease. why not you? you'd be a wonderful father or mother. you have so much love to give. yet, you feel discouraged. when will it be your time?

Sometimes you don't get what you deserve.

and sometimes you just can't be the savior someone needs. the parent in pain, the significant other searching for something you just dont have to give them, the friend you can't help, the sibling you can't reach, the coworker you can't please. if only that one little miracle could happen, perhaps something, everything, could be different.

Sometimes you don't get what you deserve.

and sometimes, though you have been the worst friend possible, though you haven't been the person you should, though you could have tried harder, worked harder, prayed harder or done more, grace appears in front of your face...

as a friend who has been there all along...

as a job that isn't so much work as it is a calling...

in the arms of a loving family who no matter what welcomes you home...

as a second chance (or third or fourth)...

as a dollar in the pocket of your coat you haven't worn all year...

as a moment when you truly realize...

that sometimes you don't get what you deserve....

you get much more.

aformerblonde.

Let's try again

In the past, i have struggled with knowing what exactly what to write about...so my blog has been a mishmash of whatever came to my mind. And while that wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it made it difficult to me to be good about writing on a regular basis. A friend of mine, we will call her E, said to me the other day, "have you ever thought about writing a book?" Well, the answer to that is, I have indeed thought about it, although the recent news that both Snookie and the Situation are both published authors makes me thing that being a published author is not what it used to be. However, I DO love to write, and I think that I am somewhat good at it, and do have an uncanny ability to entertain people...so perhaps I need to sit down and start writing. Perhaps in being more disciplined, I will find a passion about what it is I want to write about. However, for my first blog, I am going to write about something that has been on my mind, and is in fact something that I am dedicating to E, since she inspired me to start writing again on this blog.

It is nearly Martin Luther King, Jr. day, and I wonder if he would be happy with the way things are today. It is true that equal rights for people of color have advanced since he left us, but have we truly advanced as a society? Perhaps a handful of people live in conditions that are better than they were back when MLK, Jr. was alive, but this country (I can't even focus on this world in general, because it is much too big) is still filled with hatred, bigotry and unequal rights. Perhaps our attention just shifts around to a different group of people we find it easier to discriminate against. There is political hatred...we hate someone because they are republican or democrat, conservative or liberal. We hate a label before we even know what it is the person believes. We hate people based on religions. We hate people based on who they love (at first I wrote choose, but I truly believe love is not a choice, but an innate desire that we have no control over.)

I live and work in a very conservative environment. I even worry what will be said when some of the people read this blog that I am writing. There will no doubt be fall out. I fear some of the conversations that I will have to have to defend my right to write what I'm writing...No doubt I will be told to head off to confession, to hate the sin but love the sinner, or who knows what. Some might condemn me, but actually, who cares. Someone needs to stand up, and I'm not going to pretend that what I have to say will tear down any walls, but it will be a ripple with a lot of other ripples floating around that will hopefully, one day be noticed.

I know many people who are gay, queer, lesbian, whatever label they choose for themselves. It is quite possible, when I make a list of these people in my life, they are some of the most genuine, honest, real and caring individuals that I know. They tell great jokes. They make me laugh. They love to go out and have a good time. Some are quiet and introspective. Others are loud and extrovert...they are really, really great people and my life has been enriched by them. But I am constantly saddened that they are often treated as second class citizens. Some of these friends of mine don't feel comfortable to be who they are outside of the confines of their close group of friends. How is it I am able to go out and be whoever I want with no judgement, but the same doesn't apply for every single human being?? If it was a discussion in congress right now to allow black people to marry white people, this nation would be outraged. However, there are some that still feel that women should not be able to marry women, and men should not be able to marry men. I don't get it? How is it we have yet to arrive at being compassionate, loving and accepting human beings? At what point does someone finally wake up and realize how crazy it is that in 2011 we are still engaging in this rhetoric??

I recently found out that a very dear friend of mine wishes she was born a different gender. I think for a small moment, she was petrified she told me. In fact, I know she was. I don't blame her, because this world is filled with ignorance and fear which leads to judgement and hate. Because of these things, she will likely NEVER be able to be who she truly feels she is. It makes me so...sad, frustrated, and disappointed. I know that the people she fears rejection from are some of the same people I associate with. (Not all of you...I know some of you who read this are open minded, loving humans, who accept each person for who they are). Am I part of the problem, or the solution?

Why aren't we all free to just be? Why do humans feel the need to control others, to fit them in some imaginary box? Why is it that being different is seen as a threat instead of a thing of beauty? I once had a conversation with someone I know of which the consensus was "if being gay was a choice, why would ANYONE choose that?" Think about it...why would anyone choose something that would cause them to be hated, discriminated against, seen as less than human by some and robbed of rights that are inherent to others? Why can't we just let people be who they are?

I will never understand what it is my friend feels...feeling that you are not in the right skin. I will never know the confusion of not being able to truly be who I am. But what I simply cannot understand is how, nearly 50 years after his famous "I Have a Dream Speech" we still do not embrace the words that he spoke, and the ideals for which he died. Shifting judgment and hatred is not what he had in mind. Fearing and hating differences is not what it means to say that "All Men are created equal." Hiding behind religious convictions that protect us against treating people with dignity and respect just isn't going to do it for me anymore.

I wish all of my friends could sit around one table and find that the differences in us are the things that make this world so truly beautiful. If fear, judgement and hatred could be replaced with openness, acceptance and love, imagine all the ways this world could be better...okay, that sounded a bit utopian, but just think about your world...the people you surround yourself with. Imagine if just for a second, you could remove those things from your circle of friends, the people you know and see every day...how would it change things? Perhaps my friend could be who he is, without fear of judgement or rejection. I wish he could know what it felt like to truly love himself exactly the way he is. I hope that sometime in my lifetime this will be true. That there will be no stigma, no one to run away from, no need to hide your true self.

I know the person that I am writing about is going to read this blog, so I am going to close with the following remarks. I love you for who you are, and I know that many other people on this earth do/will/would/could feel the same. I know this isn't the time for you, but just know that I am hoping that the time will come for you and when it does, I'll be there every step of the way...after all, isn't that what being human is all about?

I hope it won't take us another 50 years to realize that we still have a lot of work to do to truly be, "free at last."

xoxo.

aformerblonde.